I recently got an email from a reader asking about anonymity. It’s such an important topic to me, and it’s one I’ve wrestled with a lot. I decided not only to write a post about it, but to add it as a permanent page on my blog menu.
Most recovery programs embrace a tradition of anonymity, meaning that we don’t disclose the identities of our members. This makes meetings a safe place for folks who, for personal or professional reasons, don’t want their issues with addiction or presence in recovery to be public knowledge.
Anonymity works on pretty simple guidelines, best expressed in a sign you find in many meetings: “Who you see hear, what you hear here, let it stay here.” That means, for example, when you run into a friend in recovery at the grocery store, you don’t call out, “Hey, Tricia! Are you going to be Sexaholics Anonymous tonight?”
In recent years, anonymity has become a hot button issue for some in recovery. (For more, read Susan Cheever’s article in the Fix). With the advent of social media, plenty of folks worry that anonymity is not being taken seriously enough. They complain that people aren’t vigilant about what they post online, including photos of recovery events.
Others see things differently. They wonder if anonymity isn’t an idea whose time is over. They’re proud to belong to a particular program and they don’t mind if the world knows. They suggest that strict anonymity reinforces the idea that we should feel ashamed, and perpetuates the social stigma of addiction.
I think both sides make good points. In many parts of society, revealing an addiction can cause negative personal and professional repercussions. For this reason alone, one should never break another person’s anonymity without their explicit permission.
Most agree, though, that breaking one’s own anonymity on a personal level should be up to the individual. If I want my hairdresser to know me better, including my experience in recovery, that’s up to me.
Things get more complicated when you move to the public level—press, radio, film, books, or online. Now the main purpose of anonymity is to protect the reputations of the organizations themselves. The big idea here is that no single person can or should speak for the group, lest that person’s statements or behavior at some point reflect negatively on the community.
Understandably, most recovery groups don’t want individuals profiting financially or otherwise from their association with a particular program. This tradition of anonymity at the public level is why I don’t ever identify myself as a member of any specific group on this blog. And it’s why I hope that you’ll refrain from publicly associating my name with any particular organization.
That said, I don’t feel obliged to go to great lengths to hide or disguise the nature of my recovery community. I’m not bothered if you can figure out which group I probably attend. And in an email or conversation, if you want to know more, I’m more than glad to get specific. Why would I keep secret the name of the program that saved my life, especially from the very people it might help?
Occasionally, you’ll notice that I reference specific groups, such as I did in the post, “Pick a Chair: AA or Celebrate Recovery?” Or, I might quote others on a particular group, such as I did in the post, “Grace on Tap: Phil Yancey on AA.” Talking about a group isn’t the same as identifying oneself as a member of that group.
Because I care about this tradition, I want to honor anonymity throughout my blog. So, if you comment using your full name and photo, please don’t identify yourself as a member of any specific group. If your comment is anonymous, though, fire away! Such conversations can be helpful and informative.
I hope I’ve answered more questions than I’ve raised here. I have a feeling you’ll let me know. 
P.S. I wrote a somewhat related post last December: Why I Call Myself a Christian Drunk.
Hi Heather… great post.
I too have pondered and struggled with anonymity. I too have asked the questions… is it a fading principle? was it circumstantial to the cultural climate of the 1930′s when it was founded? and others.
All I know is this… I value mine. Anonymity allowed me to enter environments that allowed me to hear what I need to hear, and experience what I needed to experience. For this reason I maintain anonymity online. Chaz is my online interface but newsflash…. it is an assumed identity!
Yes, the cultural climate has changed. Addiction and recovery have in many cases become badges of honour. As consumers of drama and entertainment, we get a charge out of hearing how bad someone messed up and how their life turned around. Why else would the likes of Charlie Sheen, Kirsty Alley, Lindsay Lohan, McAuley Caulkin, Britany Spears, Gary Coleman, etc, etc, etc, be such fodder for the tabloids and news? We, the buying public, love drama and tragedy! We always have, always will!
But since much of addiction including alcoholism is more understood, accepted, and considered a disease versus a moral weakness, we need less protection from stigma. Narrow-minded judgementalism as may have existed in the 1930′s and prior was not so gracious. Plus at that time there was no known cure and threfore alcoholism was likely considered a death sentance fo the alcoholic and in many aspects, the family he was part of.
I am a member of AA, and also qualify for NA. I can say that because I am anonymous. I practice the twelve steps, have a sponsor, attend meetings, and help others in the same boat.
I still think there is a place for anonymity. We no longer find it in listed public AA and NA meetings. Perhaps the time has come for a disection of AA into more clear cut closed and open meetings. In my community, open really means open! Anonymity is practiced very loosely. But that’s not AA’s problem. It is mine, if I let it. I have the option of going to closed meetings or starting one myself.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz, what a great response! THANK YOU. You are so insightful and right about the anonymity issues. Great little post on my post. I really must have you guest post sometime–so Everyone can read what you say, not just those who read comments.
Happy to add to the dialogue. I don’t mean to hijack your threads. Happy to guest-post at some point. Happy New Year!
Anonymity is important in terms of professions as well. I find that knowing someone’s profession can change how I relate to them… like I used to think my friend who is a therapist should have all the answers. I put her on a pedestal. Then she crashed and became real.. thank goodness!
I have a friends in recovery that I had known for 4 years. In my opinion, we knew each other’s hearts inside out. We decided to go to lunch one day, and I needed to call her at her work place to confirm the time. “May I speak with Elizabeth?” I said. The voice on the other end of the line replied, “We have 3 Elizabeth’s. Which one are you calling for?” I froze… I had absolutely no idea what her last name was… so I just belly laughed.
I ended up saying that her last name had slipped my mind, but I can tell you her children’s names, how old she is, her favorite vacation, and what she likes to eat for breakfast! I laughed the whole time. That, I think, proves we take anonymity seriously!
Happy New Year Heather. I am grateful for your willingness to step up and share your beautiful voice of reality and recovery all intertwined like a candy cane!
I have a friend who is a therapist–and I had the same thing happen. She didn’t crash, but it took me a while to just relax and realize she couldn’t see straight into my soul and wasn’t analyzing every word that came out of my mouth. I love your story here of calling your friend and the irony of knowing so much without her last name. So how it is. Which is wonderful. We might be anonymous, but we’re probably closer than most communities. Thanks for writing!
I believe that someone’s anonymity is not yours to give away. That sobriety/recovery is a gift that that person has fought incredibly hard for and, only by the grace of God or good fortune, are they alive and sober.
I have wanted to tell people about celebrities (only two) that I have seen in meetings. Or about the surgeon that I often sit across from. But that would only be to make me feel important or relevant, at the expense of just another human being working hard to stay alive.
Wow, you are so right. I LOVE your attitude toward those celebrities and it’s so cool that you recognize how the ego would want to play it. Thanks so much for commenting!
I hadn’t thought about the anonymity issue until I read your post. I am definitely going to pay heed to you advice as I write about my own recovery. Happy new year to you!
Anna, so glad I brought it up then. It’s not a sexy topic, but it’s really important, I think. Thanks so much for reading! Come back again soon.
I love your new blog design!? Looks great, and look forward to checking it more out…
Thanks sweet Drunky Drunk Girl. You’re own approach to anonymity is different than mine–you get to talk about the program directly, since you are anonymous by name and photo. I respect that so much. I have learned SO much from reading your posts and hearing your honest journey. I love how you’re not afraid to speak what’s on your mind. My post today is sort of about that (31st). You’re a smart, brave woman that I wish I could have coffee with.
I once attended an AA & Alanon anniversary meeting where the AA lead gave his full name during the meeting and had no qualms with sharing his identity with everyone he met, within and outside of meetings. This continues to bother me long after I listened to this person. He had a very large personality, which often goes with being an alcoholic. But he didn’t seem to realize the harm he could cause by being blatantly un-anonimous! His huge personality got in the way of the pure and simple message of AA. It’s not about “hiding” at all. It’s about respecting the program, and “principles above personalities.” If it is not ones personality that gets us through recovery, then it is “something larger” than the self, which could be our simple and humble humanity, or “god as we understand God.”
You know, I wonder if there’s not a guy like that in every fellowship, put there like a small pebble in our shoe to help us have to keep reaching for love and tolerance. I am so glad you shared this–great points, all of it–and maybe that dude will read it and see himself. And yes, I agree about respecting the program. I think some might think my own attempts to stay anonymous silly since you could figure it out… but it’s not about that. It’s about a stance, a heart and an attitude that honors tradition and strives, even in this day and age, to keep a low profile for the sake of the program. Thanks for writing, John!
Great post as always, Heather. It is valid even for those not in recovery. We all have our own issues and even if we aren’t in a group recovery, we still may not appreciate our business posted all over the internet! Sometimes people don’t think. They want what they want, and they go about getting it, never considering that it could be hurting someone else. I think it is great to give everyone a cause to pause a moment before they post something that could hurt someone.
Agree with you, Rebecca. What a great point! We should all be thinking this way about how we talk about and to others, what we reveal or blab. Well said, girl.
Happy New Year Heather.
Once again another great post by you. Thank you for sharing with ‘us’.
Such a great topic, Heather. And especially for those of us who write about recovery. It’s a tricky situation. Because I want to be honest and talk about alcoholism and addiction from a real place but I don’t want to compromise the anonymity of the program. So I guess I eventually I got to a place where I decided I could share “in a general way” about my recovery meaning meetings, sponsorship, etc and share in greater detail about the specifics of my disease. I had to remember that just because I’m okay with being a hot mess and really owning that, maybe everybody else isn’t. Anyway terrific post and love the new layout too. Happy new year! love ya!- S.
Sean, so great to see your face. You gotta do something about that brick wall your back is up against…
Have you ever thought of the symbolism, or am I totally weird. Good thing is, it’s all behind you. You’re on this side of the brick wall. Standing free and clear. I love your comment here, and I’m so privileged to know you. So few people are nearly so cool. 
It hadn’t occurred to me how important this topic is until your post. Great one! I think anonymity has another purpose in keeping the focus on the individual seeking and working recovery. Without having to deal with questions from the outside (or forming answers) or concerning ourselves with things like stigma reduction and judgements from others, we are able to focus totally on the program. And most importantly, what we need to learn from the program. Anonymity can be a way to keep the ego in check.
I’m not in the same program as you are, but I still appreciate being able to bawl my eyes out in the program I do attend and see someone from that meeting at the grocery store without worrying they’ll suggest I start wearing waterproof mascara.
Thanks so much for commenting, Charise. In my program, it’s a pretty big issue for some people. I think we probably don’t do a good job at helping newcomers understand how it works, though. So many people accidentally make mistakes and learn the hard way, which seems unfortunate. Once again, it’s so important to extend grace and trust the bigger picture if your anonymity gets violated or if you goof. I love that you bawl your eyes out! And I love that you recognize that there’s more than one way to recover. I love any program that helps someone recover–and I think God leads us to where we belong if we reach out. Always love hearing from you, dear friend. Praying for you right now. Because I want to.
Hugs.
Very sound and helpful information Heather. Thank You, dear friend.
Thanks Dolores. Happy New Year!
I think there is a LOT of confusion about anonymity (along with…I can’t spell it!). Like you said, on a personal level, in my personal life, I get to decide who knows and who doesn’t. My boss knows. She was there at the beginning (or the end) and so she knows, even if it’s not the first thing on her mind. There was no point really in not telling her I was trying to make changes. I was about to lose my job. My family and many friends know. Some friends I don’t tell simply because they say things that lead me to belive they do not understand. Ok. As long as they are kind all will be well. I make the decision whether or not to tell on a situational basis. If I get that nudge for the Universe that someone needs to know I might tell them or slip them a note with my number on it saying *call me*. If they call, great. If not, they have a Higher Power too. I have heard newcomers talk about hiding keytags or medallions on keys or backpacks on the bus. Or hiding the fact that they are reading The Grapevine on the bus. First of all, the bus is sort of anonymous anyway. (At least here in the big city.) Most people don’t care if you are reading The Grapevine or whatever on the bus. They are into their own business. And if you think your keytags or other hanging objects are an issue keep them in your pocket! Keeping in mind that most of the people who ride the bus with youd don’t notice. And if they do, perhaps it will save their life. If you are reading program material on the bus then keep in mind someone might know what it is and so you ought to practice your porgram and be kind. As oy firts sponsor (35 years sober now) used to say, *You might be the only Big Book that person sees.* So don’t be a jagoff.
As you can see, this is a huge issue for me. I was taught that I need to identify myself WITH my LAST name in meetings. Because if someone needs to talk they can’t find me in the phone book if they don’t know my last name. We are NOT anonymous among ourselves. We DO NOT share anyone else’s presence at a meeting. In my first home group not only did I know everyone’s last name but I knew where they lived, I knew their families, we were close. It is not the same today. Although I still know those folks, the newer folks don’t seem to congregate in each other’s home like we did. Just for fun. Just to talk. To share how it works. I’m done. Thanks for listening.
Thanks so much for sharing, Marjie. I had never heard of the idea of sharing last names in meetings before, but it makes sense. I know of only a couple people who do and I always wondered why. As you can imagine, I tend to be pretty open about my recovery, and part of that is so that it would be nigh impossible for me to take up drinking again–without raising eyebrows left and right. But also, of course, I like to let people know that I’m available if they ever want help. I do get it why some people don’t want others to know for professional reasons –some careers don’t work well with that label. And I love that we each get to decide for ourselves. On the web, I’ve noticed that people tend to take my route–don’t declare yourself a member of said group. Or, they talk freely about their program of choice and choose instead to not have a picture or their real name. Either way works, but I find that I have a hard time reading a blog and suturing to a person whose picture I can’t see. Maybe it’s just me, but I love to know faces. I wrestled a lot with this issue when working on my book, but there’s a pretty widespread agreement these days among authors that you talk about meetings in general or even 12 steps, without naming organizations. I think even this still makes some folks uncomfortable, but I don’t know how to fix that. I’m of the mind that it’s more important to get the message out than it is to worry if someone might figure out what program I’m part of. It just seems logical to me. Thanks so much for commenting!
Thanks, Andrew. I appreciate it so much.
Reblogged this on portraits of addiction and commented:
Great post from Heather Kopp on Anonymity in AA.