I think I was more honest when I started this blog a year ago than I am now. Not that I’ve started to lie or hide, but I think I may have become less spontaneous in the way you do once you sense you are being watched.
You adjust your hair. You become self-conscious. You wish you’d worn your favorite Frye boots. You adopt a faint smile hoping it will make you appear kinder than you really feel.
In the case of my blog, it looks like this: I notice that I have some readers and I want to keep them. So instead of writing what’s most true, I write what makes me go down smooth, what I think you’ll like, and probably agree with.
Pretty soon, I’m not blogging about the latest book I’m reading in the morning because it is by Marianne Williamson and I don’t want to freak out some of my more conservative readers.
Pretty soon, I’m hesitating to hit publish on a post that is so blatantly Christian I’m afraid I’ll lose recovery readers who are here for help, not to hear about my faith.
Pretty soon, I’m trying to protect you from my truth while I impress you with my transparency, which is about as absurd as blogging gets.
This last year, I’ve taken some small steps toward just being who I am. I’ve quoted authors who might seem risky, like the Sufi mystic, Hafiz. I have let it be known in ways big and small that I often find Truth in the most secular of places.
At the same time, though, I’ve become more aware than ever of various camps around the web, each with strong positions on matters of faith, politics, social issues, and even recovery. I’ve wanted to find the one camp that fits me best and become a star. It’s what my publisher would like to see happen. And I owe it to them—quite literally—to try.
Trouble is, I’m all camped out. And platforms make me dizzy. I just want to be myself, and let the chips fall where they may.
But it’s not that simple, really. I don’t always know when integrity demands I take a public stand on some issue. I can’t just adopt an attitude that says, “Screw what my readers think or believe. This is what I want to say today.”
That’s not love, either. And I never want to be that person who, in the name of authenticity, waves around her opinions like a two-by-four.
Somewhere in the middle, between public-pleasing and a reader-be-damned approach, is a swath of honest ground I want to claim this year. I suppose I’ll know I’m making progress if a few people say, “I’m so glad you said that,” and some others walk away thinking, Yep, this girl done pickled her brain.
I originally came to blogging in order to find a “readership.” Instead, I found you—a warm, beautiful, and oh-so-real community. And despite all my silly self-monitoring and embarrassing hang-ups, I believe that God speaks here—not just through me to you, but through you to me and to each other.
My job—and increasingly my joy—is to show up and let that happen as best I can.
This is not a New Year’s resolution. Resolutions involve will power, which for obvious reasons, I don’t put much stock in. I think this post is more of a living prayer that I will take loving risks to be more real this year. And I’m writing it here because you are my witnesses.
Thank you.
I’d love to hear how you are thinking about the New Year, and what changes you might be inspired to make.
Today you took time for me. Time, which I’m certain was valuable. I read about Esther on your facebook page, and was suddenly filled with grief, but also guilt. Guilt that when everything in your world was sad, I burdened you with my once again pathetic self. I was being candid when I told you that you might have saved my life today. I’m forever grateful! btw, I simply can’t wait to read your book!
Teresa, I’m so glad we connected. And it is you who blessed me, friend.
On Being Real. As an author, I’d like to comment here. Publishers want you to “make” or “build” an audience. But in my experience I find it more helpful to think of this as “finding the audience God has for me.” This is to say that only by being who I TRULY am, thinking and communicating with my unique gifts and perspective and experience, will I EVER make any difference in anyone’s life. By being more honestly me, I am actually weeding out the audience I was never intended to help in the first place. At the same time, by being who I was created to be, I enable those I was created to serve to discover me. That serves both God and the publisher. I was never meant to be all things to all people. But I was created uniquely to be something to some. I only do that by being the best and truest and most vulnerable me that I can. I have to leave the rest of the audience to the Great Stage Manager. He knows. He provides. He saves.
Bette,
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective here. Wise words and I am grateful. I especially love this line: “By being more honestly me, I am actually weeding out the audience I was never intended to help in the first place. At the same time, by being who I was created to be, I enable those I was created to serve to discover me.” I think I know this in my head, but forget it in my heart. I really like this way of thinking about it, though. You helped me! Many blessings be upon your head. And lots of hugs around your body, too.
So, all the good comments have been taken! Ha. (Loved Sharon’s ideas of motive) But I couldn’t NOT show up, because Heather, your writing has made me feel like I’m not alone in this living sea of “Different in Jesus.” And the tricky thing about wrestling with transparency is that inherently it mimics x-ray vision and MRI technology… and THOSE reveal blood and guts, malformations and weaknesses, and all sorts of interesting imagery. And THAT imagery often needs eyes that see, and words that explain…..Bottom line, Miss Heather. Our world (and maybe especially our Christian one) NEEDS Truth and Courage and Vulnerability and Simple Accepting Love (which in the end, isn’t simple at all, is it?) Looking forward to another year, and maybe, especially, the end of January?
I love it. All the good comments are taken. You are so funny. No one can ever your take your place in my comment section, Jane. I always just love hearing what you have to say, and most of all, that you show up to say something. So appreciated! You’re such a great reader. I don’t think January will happen, but if not February. I miss Nathan terribly! Do you ever get into Sisters? He manages the Depot Deli. And Kelsey waits tables at Jen’s Garden. If ever you see one of my beautiful kids I hope you’ll pipe up and say hi and hug ‘em for me. Soon, Jane. Soon you will see all my wrinkles close up, including the one above my life that is driving me nuts.
I totally get it. I really do.
You keep being the real you that me and everyone else adore.
I know your sister, Katherine and have only read your blog a couple of times when she posted them on Facebook. But, I have to say that I have connected with you each time. You have a God-given gift in writing, so I am thankful that you share with your readers. I also got clean in 2007 and it has been quite an amazing journey. Discovering who I am in Christ has been probably the best part! I am thankful that His grace is sufficient and when I try to run in the strength of my former identity, He presents me with gentle reminder to rely on His power within me!
One of your gifts, Heather, is your ability to articulate what so many of us are thinking. But you are able to put words to the page, and voila! Truth shines. It sparkles. I deeply appreciate these thoughts. I can only imagine how many heads are nodding as your readers read this post.
On another note, I also like the direction your new blog/website is heading. Lookin’ good!
Happy new year! One of the best parts of my old year has been connecting with you.
Katherine, thanks so much for this response and for taking the time. I just love how you show up here regularly. It means SO much to me. I am glad you like the site direction–it’s not the new web site I had planned, just a new template, but for now it is so much better than it was in terms of functionality. Happy New Year!
I used to like to hang out with people a lot like me because,well, it made me feel better about me. I mean, we were all “right” — right?
And then I experienced the freedom of being wrong … and the wide open space of grace (which completely freaks me out at times) … and I discovered I like hanging out with honest people. Some who are a lot like me … and some who aren’t. It’s not always comfortable. It’s not always agreeable. But at least it’s real.
And that’s one of the reasons I read your blog, Heather. You do real. You do uncomfortable. And grace.
See you in 2013.
Beth! It’s you! So wonderful to see your face here. I LOVE this comment. The freedom of being wrong–what a beautiful way to put it. I am so glad I know you, but I can’t believe I haven’t met you face to face yet. Let’s fix that this year. You’re in town here, right? I hope you have a fabulous new year.
I think when you write from your heart, to yourself, to us, to God, you can’t go wrong! You have inspired me with your kind heart and honesty. You make me think and feel things I didn’t even realize about sobriety, relationships, and spirituality. So thank you for taking the time to share your life in a blog, rather than a personal notepad. I often want to reply to your posts but chicken out, because I’m not a writer. I will always be your reader! I wore new boots on Christmas day and they were also ‘sober boots’! God bless and Happy New Year Heather! xo
Congrats on the SOBER BOOTS! You know what? I should start a little photo page! Ask readers in recovery of any kind to send me a photo of them in their boots, face showing or not, and put them all on a page. I’m gonna DO that. Too fun. Will you send me a photo to get me started? Pretty please? And oh my. Commenting on my blog is not a writerly thing. Half my comments are missing whole words. I’m pretty sloppy that way. And I’m a terrible line editor, myself. So nice of you to say hi! Please do again.
And I’m waiting for the pic!
It’s a fine line to walk, but at the end of the day, you’re left with just you and your actions, or non-actions as the case may be. If there is something you feel that strongly about, let it be your passion and let it show. We’re not here to please people. That’s not our purpose on this earth. Being genuine is more respectable anyway.
Katy, you have wise words here. Thank you so much for taking time to share them!
This is good. And so are you and it’s a good year coming our way!
Thanks, Christine. And thanks for the boot!!! I never did get your card in the mail… I’m a deadbeat friend. You’re the best.
Yes. Just YES.
That’s all.
Thank you for fighting to be real …
Thanks for this Yes. I think it comes from God through you to me. Simple and true: Yes. Just say yes, Heather.
I totally hear you. I struggle with the same things, especially since I feel my blog is more about knitting, and less about “me,” anyway.
How off-topic can I get with my readers before they unsubscribe? I’m not sure. But how much is it MY blog, anyway, and maybe they’re there because they like the unique perspective I bring. These are my questions.
I image there’s no one answer, except to ask the question, “Am I being true to what I believe God is asking of me?” It’s hard for me to keep that question in the forefront, though, when I’m also reading about my Platform, how to use Twitter, and growing my “tribe.” lol. But I think every artist must, at some point, decide to pursue simply what makes us “us,” since that is what makes us special and desirable in the first place. God made us, on purpose, as we are.
Anyway, I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who struggles with these questions. And Dear Publisher: please let Heather be Heather. She is wonderful just the way she is, struggles and all. In fact, it’s her struggles that I enjoy the most, since they are universal.
As for my resolutions, I rarely make them. But I have given Jesus His birthday present, and that is to change the next thing in me. I didn’t know what else to give.
Ha! I just love this comment. Knitting and vulnerability.
Oh yes, I see you’ve been reading the same experts I have. Platforms, twits, and tribes. It’s not wrong. It’s just not an easy mix with our hearts and our dreaded egos. I love your conclusions here. And I should tell you that my publisher, JERICHO, is actually amazing at letting me be me. They never interfere or fuss or worry about what I do–it’s more just my own projection of wanting to be a good author who is doing things to help them sell books, since they advanced me a bunch of money on the promise that I would try to rustle up a few readers. Make sense? Of all the Christian publishers out there, Jericho is astonishingly open and a perfect fit. Still, I love your plea. And I bet they would agree. I absolutely love the love your last lines here. Maybe you really should talk less about knitting and more about you! 
Huge Hug. H
Thank you for this, Heather. In my ministry (and life, for that matter) I value transparency. But presenting transparency is strangely difficult, because presentation is always about what I choose to show people. Hmmm.
HMMMM. Brad! You nailed it. We can work so hard at being “honest” or “real” that we start performing in an effort to not perform. HA. God must just laugh sometimes at how our earnest attempts to get it right end us up in some contorted Twister game position. Love your blog! I went and checked it out. Thanks for reading, friend. I treasure my male readers.
Even at you’re most guarded, you’re still speaking a truth that touches people. You’ll never please everyone but I so appreciate your desire to do right by us (your readers). You take a big risk and show up every time you hit publish and I’m grateful for your willingness to do that.
Karen, your comment this morning is so encouraging. Thank you for showing up to read what I write. It’s such an honor.
I got a kick out of “waves around her opinions like a two-by-four.” Next time I hear myself or one of my friends doing that, instead of judging, maybe I’ll laugh.
Yeah, I’ve gotta work on that, too. It’s easy to confuse boldness to speak with license to be divisive or unloving.
This post is a great example of why I LOVE reading your stuff. The two-by-four simile “sang” to me too.
Selective transparency is a challenge, but I think God gets said what he wants said through us, in spite of us. That’s my hope, anyway.
Natalie, this comment went straight to my heart. Thank you. I agree that it all happens in spite of us!
‘Real’ is what I love most about you
…I have learned so much from your honesty and will pray along with you that the depth of your honesty will prevail! …and ‘let the chips fall where they may’ (I believe God will land them in all the right places)! Blessings to you in the New Year Heather!
What a wonderful comment. Thank you. Just thank you.
God is the definition of Truth. As long as you’re seeking to glorify Him first…well, you won’t go wrong.
Great advice, Fae! Thanks for taking time to comment. Your fairy presence always makes me glad. I agree that God is the Definition of Truth.
Keep showing up darlin’ and be as real as you know how to be. I’m one of those nonchristian recovery readers. I know you’re a Christian. (Lots of people are.) I love what you have to say. I know I got here by grace. I wouldn’t have chosen to read the blog of a Christian blogger on purpose. But, I read it by accident and loved it! So keep being you even when you aren’t sure what that means.
YAY! WOO HOO. I love hearing from non-Christian recovery readers. It takes a great amount of love and tolerance for them to show up here–and keep showing up. I am so glad that you like my blog. I love your line: “So keep being you even when you aren’t sure what that means.” Yes.
Gee Heather, don’t you think that you’ve just noticed types of pressures – some inside and some outside of you – most with at least a small element of credible legitimacy to them that lean against transparent honesty, simple straight forward honesty. Then isn’t it possible that rather than becoming _more_ honest you want to become
_more sensitive to your own motives_ when you write and to how the presence of a reading community, a publisher and his needs, etc pressure you and affect your motives and your ‘simplicity,’ your truth, even with yourself.
Women are responders to begin with, if that has become tyranny through distorted formative experience of some kind, someone else’s presence or pressures can result in us losing _our own_ relationship to why we are there. Instead of the other person’s presence or pressures _informing_ us, they inhabit us (which is not right for anyone but the Holy Spirit who does not invade). Then we lose our proper Self. Everything gets disordered. The result is that our internals scramble about trying to get the proper self back where it belongs. This can become obsessive, and what does it look like? It looks a lot like what you described in the “in the case of” and “Pretty soon” paragraphs above.
I don’t think honesty is quite the problem. I think overcoming a certain kind of vulnerability is the problem. You have a limp that’s hard to see. You and God will figure it out my courageous friend. Heather, I love you. I don’t think you lack honesty.
Be careful with your character. It is a good thing to take stock and to judge yourself – even mercilessly, But it is a virtue to judge yourself truthfully. With the Holy Spirit at your side to guide your attention, there is time to find the truth of a matter. He wants you to be like Christ. He won’t settle for anything less, but he is a kind master.
Eternal peace,
Sharon
Wow, Sharon! You really hit the nail on the head here. Thank you for this loving, thoughtful reply. I know you are right about the limp. What a kind way to put it. I will ponder your words here and let them go deep. Thanks so much for taking time to encourage me this way. Love your honest assessments. Hugging you. H
Hugging you back, So hugging back!
I love that cover so many diverse points of view. I too read everything from mystics and Marianne Williamson to the deeply religious. There is room for all in recovery. As we say in al-anon. Take what you like and leave the rest. Please continue to be yourself. That gives me permission to be myself as well. I need that.
Oh, thank you! I love the idea that my being myself gives others permission to do the same. Let’s all become a little more brave about that this year. One thing I can do to make myself feel more safe is to make sure I’m not judging other people when they are honest–and I don’t like what they think or say or believe. If I don’t judge them, it won’t come back around on me, maybe. Thinking out loud here. Thanks so much for commenting today. Hugs.
You are a gift, a friend, and I never leave here without feeling stirred, moved, & that I’ve been in the presence of an artist. Thank you for showing up and doing what you do with beauty, authenticity, and who doesn’t fix their hair and powder their nose before blogging…sigh. We have just our words though I am longing to do my first vlog and I’d love to see you do a video blog too. Heather, you thread and piece together lovely reflections of the overflow of your heart. So pleased you are in my world, counting you as gift in 2012 and 2013.
Elizabeth, thanks for this–sorta.
No, really, I appreciate your encouragement, but the video thing.. yikes. I had to make a video and post it on the blog while the book was being shopped last March and it was excruciating. I need to get over that, though. I would love to see you vlog! I can see how it would really help you feel like you know a person–seeing them talk. I should do it. Maybe I will. I’ll pray about it. 
(No, really, I will). H
“Pretty soon, I’m trying to protect you from my truth while I impress you with my transparency.” You know, I think we do that in church too. Or in any community where we want to be seen and known, but not TOO much.
I have a long list of things I might want to change in the new year — just a new verse in the same song I sing this time every year. The two I have decided to commit to so far are “do what I say I will do” and “eat alone less often.”
I couldn’t agree more. Love this: “Just a new verse in the same song I sing this time every years.” Beautiful and true. I like your two resolutions! I should resolve not to eat my breakfast in front of CNN, but it’s also one of my favorite things.
Authenticity is a powerful human need. To step past the fear of being known into the blessing of being known.
Lovely way to put it! Thanks, Deborah.
Hello Heather,
I have noticed the same thing in myself, not posting what I feel, or believe, might offend some of my friends and family, and I also struggle with being true to myself. Like you, I draw my faith from a variety of sources, and realize that this will offend some more “traditional” believers. But, as it says on the back of the one-year coin, “To Thine Own Self Be True.” I must follow this or I wil have no peace, and peace is what I need most. Without the peace of being true to myself all else is meaningless because it is based on lies.
Nancy
Nancy, thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one who does that. I agree about being true to oneself, but I have to make sure it’s the “right” self I’m being true to. Does that makes sense? I have a couple different ones–the ego and my sacred, true self. Thanks for this reminder!
Great post, Heather. Authenticity is slippery and Christianity is messy. I am a broken through and through, and once I realized that I started sleeping soundly.
I, too, catch myself being what others expect me to be. My new year’s resolution is to embrace who I am right now, dare to be who God wants me to be, and find peace when the chips fall where they may.
Life’s too short to waste another moment. Happy New Year to you!
You say it so well in this comment. And your resolution is perfect. Happy New Year, dear friend.
Thanks so much for being authentic in sharing your thoughts on this topic! It’s something I struggle with pretty much all the time and in thinking about the coming year, the word ‘authenticity’ keeps coming up. I find it hard to walk that honest middle path and appreciate your willingness to show one way it can be done.
Annie,
You make me feel understood and received. Thank you!
Heather, your comments are very interesting. I too have had challenges with my blog content as my readership grows. What I want to do is remain true to myself. I am who I am. And I want to be a class act in a great big blogging world. One of my goals for the new year is to push my blog further into the blogging stratophere and guest post for a few spiritual websites. I’d also just like to write more, maybe start a book this winter. Fun stuff! Keep doing what you’re doing. I love your blog…and you! xo Joanne
Joanne, thanks for relating. I love your goals! I hope you write that book. Be sure to keep me posted. I love your blog, too! Aint that just a coincidence? Hugs