Art by Amber Dusick (She has a hilarious parenting blog that gave me giggles). Crappypictures.com
With the New Year upon us, I’m expecting to see some fresh, unfamiliar faces in my meetings. Recovery is kind of like an athletic club that way—come January, you get a big surge in membership.
Frankly, I can’t wait. Nothing helps me more than to hear newbies fresh off their nightmares remind me of what I escaped.
But today I want to speak to the person who is still standing at the threshold. You know who you are. You know you have a problem, but you haven’t yet found the courage to ask for help.
People who haven’t been where you are right now can’t possibly understand how scary this place is. You feel out of control, miserable, desperate. Yet you feel trapped. Your brain is burning up with questions: Has my life come to this—really? What if people find out?
And worse: What if the help actually works, and I have to change?
And worse yet: What if it doesn’t work, and I can’t change?
No wonder most addicts stand at the door of surrender for such a long time, unwilling to consider recovery until we hit some new, terrible “bottom”—a low so low that we become willing to do whatever it takes to get free.
It makes sense that we have to get in a lot of pain before we’re ready to risk change. But there’s a problem with putting too much stock in some distant or elusive “bottom.” While we continue to spiral downward, waiting for things to get worse, terrible things can happen.
Duh, right? And yet, most addicts are genuinely shocked when we have a car accident, lose a career, or end up in jail. Had we really seen the catastrophe coming, we’d have gotten off the elevator a few floors up.
Hiding in this truth is good news about bottoms that’s easy to miss. Even if we’ve lost the power of choice over our addiction, we still have the power of choice over our decision to reach for help. In recovery we often remind each other, “You can exit the elevator at any time. Your ‘bottom’ is where you decide to get off.”
When I first came to meetings and heard all the horror stories, I remember thinking, What the heck? My bottom wasn’t that bad. I could have drunk for ten more years!
That was my addiction speaking, of course. It’s a twisted kind of logic that kills many good people every day. A more truthful revelation came to me later: I could have come into recovery years ago and spared myself and those I love so much heartache!
Unfortunately, many of us have to get sober in order to discover that we want to be sober. Crazy, huh? But until we experience the miracle of recovery, we can’t imagine how it could be anything less than miserable. We assume that we’ll be the exact same person—minus the comfort of our drug of choice.
And if all we do is stop, it’s a pretty accurate prediction.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, I promise. In recovery, we learn that we don’t just need to say no to our addiction, we get to say yes to God—and to a whole new way of life.
I know that sounds scary. Overwhelming, even. But on the other side of that threshold lies the opportunity for a new kind of happiness you can’t even imagine now.
The first step is simply to take the first step.
What are you waiting for?
Today is a beautiful day to hit bottom.
great post, Heather, as usual. thanks
Thanks, Louise. You’re such an encouragement to me!
Meeting new comers is my medicine, hearing the devastation they have caused, seeing their appearance, listening to the insanity. It makes me appreciate where I was and where I am.
The strongest medicine for me is seeing long timers relapse, heartbreaking but wow it’s powerful stuff and makes you appreciate that this illness is waiting for you.
A friend has relapsed with over 25 years, the effects are horrendous it’s like the illness was growing within for that time.
Just reading this comment this morning helped me. I agree that it’s so powerful and helpful to hear those new comers. It’s scary how every year my memories of what that was like feel farther away…
Heather – Pastor David again – This was one of the most beautiful-helpful things you have written – i have shared and will share it with some I know and love.
Blessings
David, thank you so much for this kind encouragement. I’m humbled.
Excellent. You’ve captured a number of those feelings and revelations perfectly.
And yes, as a friend of mine puts it….Thanksgiving through Christmas, the hurricane season for Alcoholics, is over. Come rest your souls now, on our battered but safe shores.
Oh, thank you so much! How kind of you to say that. I love, love, love your last lines here.
Inspiring as always, Heather. I completely “get it” when you mention that you can’t understand that you even desire to be sober until you are. I think it works that way for all addictions. When I was smoking 3 packs a day, I couldn’t imagine how I could ever be a non-smoker..but I have not smoked a single cigarette since the day I quit in 2006. I asked the Lord to take the desire from me and to make it repulsive to me..and He did exactly that. Whenever I smell cigarette smoke I have to leave. It makes me sick, it really does. I know I could not have overcome this addiction without the Lord’s help. You can’t give Him something and take it back. So I gave Him my addiction and the desire is gone. The gambling I have to work at every day. I live in Las Vegas, NV, so I am around it constantly. I would be less than truthful if I said that I am not tempted from time to time. But I take it one day at a time. I am not gambling today. I can walk past the machines in the grocery store (yes, they have them even in the grocery stores here!) and I stay out of the casinos. There are so many different addictions, but I think the underlying conditions are the same. God will help if we ask Him to. I am living proof.
Rebecca,
Thanks so much for this wonderful comment. You have clearly had a lot of experience with the issue of addiction. And I agree with you that God will help if we ask. If we really and truly want help and are willing to go to any length–like stay out of casinos–to do our part. I just wrote a long response to another reader on this topic, in case you’re interested. So glad you are one of my readers, Rebecca!
Thank you, Heather. I really love reading your blog. It really inspires me. Thank you for following my blog too. Let me know when your book launches and I will be happy to tweet it for you too.
Years ago a therapist said he did not believe recovery would be successful without a profound spiritual experience. Now that I’ve had more (terrible) experiences with loved ones that are addicts, I’m wondering if that’s true? And does that happen at the bottom to propel the “first step” or does that experience come later once recovery begins?
I hope someone reads this post, Heather, and sees it as the “sign” they were waiting for. I hope they cross the threshold and feel the Light freedom can offer.
Charise, leave it to you to ask a question that I could write a book about!
Wow. Yes, I agree that a spiritual experience has to take place. Actually, though, more than one. A lot of people have several. One at the bottom–often a huge turning point of surrender. In my case, it was a blubberfest of surrender that led not to my not drinking again, but to my being willing to tell Dave the truth. But then, as I went along, there were many other important surrenders. Recovery IS surrender. Only a daily basis.
That said, I think it’s so important not to put too much too much emphasis on a burning bush type of spiritual experience. I have seen people do that, especially if they’ve had some sort of huge breakthrough before. And then they end up going back out again. They think they need to wait for that huge spiritual upheaval miracle again–they want it. It felt so good the first time, they look for it to save them all over again. But it doesn’t always work that way. And if you wait for that kind of desperation–you’re likely to hit a super ugly bottom.
I always remind people that despite the fact that we’re addicted, we’re also still human. And we also still make choices. And willingness is nine parts choice, if you ask me. You can’t will yourself out of wanting to drink or drug. But you can will yourself to do everythiing you can–go to any lengths–to get and stay sober. You can choose to do all the work, for example. You can make a hundred small choices that will make recovery a hundred times more likely. And you don’t have to wait for a magic spiritual boost or epiphany or experience in order to simply decide that you’re going to do that. Go to any lengths.
Does that sort of answer your questions? I should write a post about this, because I think it’s confusing, especially for people watching a loved one keep making wrong choices. Especially if that loved one keeps refusing to own that he is choosing poorly when he could choose otherwise–could choose to take actions that would help him stay sober.
Sometimes, maybe often, I think the spiritual experience follows the action or choice rather than vice versa–especially once a person has had that initial awakening. But God won’t let us get addicted to or rely on spiritual miracles when what we need to acknowledge is our own stubborn decision to turn toward self and not take advice or help that is offered.
Hope I said something that makes sense here, Charise. I love you, friend. You are such an important part of my blog. Thank you for asking this questioin!!
Happy New Year Heather! I am able to mean that partly because I know from all your testimony (blog, raw) that you are healthily positioned to experience happiness, even joy.
I think there are 2 types of bottoms. The first, I would term, circumstantial (prison, lost relationships, lost job, physical deterioration, fill in the blank). The second, I would term, soulish (meta physical realities) or spiritual. This has to do with meaning, purpose, value, worthiness, being loved and/or accepted, self respect, etc).
I would respectfully suggest the probable “cause” or source of the symptoms of drinking/drugging/over eating – whatever, is located in the second bottom. The problem is, the second does not actually have a bottom, it is an infinite and eternal hole.
The good news is that it can be filled with One who is infinite and eternal – God, Higher Power, whatever the current chosen label, as long as it is acknowledged that “It” is personal, as in, a person (albeit spiritual in nature). “It” knows you, and loves you, in fact is very fond of you, because your very existance came from “It”. As we recognize/acknowledge and surrender the bottomless hole in our soul, it is filled with eternal life and the process of experiencing that life begins and continues to grow. We realize the “medication” was only ever temporary, kept us out of a “right mind” and had some really terrible and sometimes horrendous “side effects”, that can get so bad they can kill you before you are willing to receive/accept the cure.
The cure is not an event, it is a person, who brings life itself and a process by which to live it.
Tom, thanks so much for taking time to write this. Ah, Ii agree about the infinite and eternal hole. Your so good at offering me a totally different way to look at things. Happy New Year to you too, friend!