Art by Sharon Cummings
Your advice to me last week about fear was so profound and helpful. Having been sick with the flu since Wednesday, I’ve had plenty of time to ponder your words, to let them go deep. Thank you!
With your help, I may have turned a corner. I am still afraid of public speaking. But I’m no longer in fear.
There’s a difference, I think. We can all name things that generally scare us—microphones and heights top my list. But having a fear is not nearly the same thing as letting a fear have you.
A few months ago, I got a new sponsor. When I finally confided in her about my growing terror, I expected her to prescribe a fear inventory (a helpful recovery tool, by the way), or maybe chide me for not trusting God.
Instead, she acted like my nervousness could be a good thing. “Great!” she said. “This gives you an opportunity to explore this fear and to practice facing it in advance. By the time May comes, you’ll be ready.”
Huh? This was an entirely new approach to me. I have always been taught that fear is bad, wrong, and something to be ashamed of. Fear should be resisted, repented of, denied, or transformed into faith.
But having permission to investigate my looming fear in the safety of the present has opened up new possibilities. For example, I found that saying aloud, “I’m scared,” like I did with you on Wednesday, saps some of fear’s power. It now seems quite possible that, as one of you suggested, my roaring lion in the street is really a toothless kitty.
You also reminded me that a significant portion of my fear is a symptom of a treatable condition called lack of confidence. And the solution is an amazing phenomenon called practice. Who’d have thunk!?
So this is my plan. I’ll take my publisher up on their offer to provide media coaching. I will practice in front of friends until I feel more comfortable. I may even seek help from a therapist who specializes in anxiety.
But there’s something else, too. I’m realizing that my biggest problem isn’t that I need more ammunition to fight my fear, it’s my stubborn belief that I can or should fix, control, manage, outwit, or otherwise conquer it.
I had to laugh when this finally occurred to me. Of course, I can’t beat fear any more than I can beat alcoholism! I should have known the most important answers wouldn’t involve winning, but losing. Not victory, but surrender.
Which leads me to ask, what if fear is part of the gift? What if fear is necessary in order to help me remember how to rely on God, not myself? What if fear is what some listener needs to hear in my voice—because she’s scared stiff herself?
Today I sense God asking me to do two things. Yes, I should pursue a plan of action to prepare as best I can for May. But at the same time, he’s inviting me to set my fear back down on his side of the table, where it belongs. (And for goodness sake, stop talking about it so much!)
So that’s what I’m doing here. This post marks the spot where I surrender to any outcome. Rather than convince myself that I’m going to do great, I’m ready to make peace with the idea that I might not.
And that will be okay, too.
P.S. Glennon Melton over at Momastery.com has a book coming out in April. To address her own fears, she’s come up with a motto: “Don’t worry about doing well… just do good.” Isn’t that perfect?
sounds wonderful Heather.
I’ve been teaching and speaking for over 25 years, but still have a rush of fear at the prospect. Usually it passes once I get started. As you said, I believe fear, nervousness, etc . . . reminds us of our need to depend on God. As for admitting your fear, as a Bible study teacher, for years I lived in fear of being asked a question I couldn’t answer. Don’t know why I thought I was expected to know everything. One of the most freeing experiences I ever had was the day I realized it was perfectly okay to say, “I don’t know.” And I believe it’s also okay to say, I’m afraid, as long as we don’t allow our fear to keep us from doing what God is calling us to do.
I love that your sponsor gave you permission. I think we underestimate the power of that word. Great followup post!
So glad you took time to write this in spite of being sick. I’m certain you know your material and are well prepared. You’ve defiantly helped me. Just remember that this isn’t just about a cute gal in Colorado, but about how much the God of the Universe loved her enough to transform her life and trusted her to carry His message to those of us who think we’re alone. You gave me hope and because of that, I’ve been able to put “another” few days together.
You share a profound revelation: “having a fear is not nearly the same thing as letting a fear have you.” VERY well said. Courage isn’t the absence of fear; it’s doing what God has called you to do in spite of it. Your writing just blesses my socks right off. Hugs!
Heather, Another beautiful post. It’s fun to read all the comments too. You’ll do great. At least that’s what I think. Lots of love, Lisa
You literally have no idea how much this post spoke to me this morning. Just what I needed at just the time I needed it!
So glad! Love it when that happens.
I have spoken both professionally and as a pastor. Every time I get up to speak there is a flutter of “dis-ease”… it tells me that I should be aware of what I am saying, to trust God that He will be with me in whatever place I am and that WITH Him all things are possible. Lean not on YOUR power( for you have none) but rely on HIS, for He has it all!
Helen, these are wise words and I’m so grateful you took the time to share them. I love your point that God’s the one with ALL the power.
I like your plan. I think the spirit behind it is even better in that all that resistance and negative judgement just makes it worse (like the verse in Matthew…thing in the dark are dark but once touched by light they can’t be dark anymore).
Ah, Charise, thank you! I feel so much better about the May thing. Now, if I could just kick this silly flu.
Heather, thanks for taking all those comments, processing them, and handing them back to us with more insight. I commented on your fear post, and now I’m encouraged by this post. I simply *love* the concept of powerlessness. Grasping that was a real turning point for me, and I love that it’s applicable here, too. (Since I’ll be doing some public speaking one week from today.) I’m going to turn these concepts over in my mind this week while I’m preparing, and I’m going to consciously rest in the fact that God is in control of this, and He has a plan for me. Thanks. Amanda
You’re so welcome! It was such an honor and gift to read those comments and savor them and tuck many of them away for future reference. I’ll pray for you right now for that public speaking you’ll be doing. It’s such a fine balance, isn’t it–between preparing so we do our best and feel less nervous and God has a chance of speaking through us–and over-preparing to the point where there’s no room for God to show up. You’re going to do great, I can tell. Best of all, you clearly have a healthy perspective. MORE POWERLESSNESS TO YOU!
YAY Heather! How your posts encourage me. Won’t it be great to look back this summer & see how God has grown you and got you through the beginnings of speaking? What a great reminder that I am powerless over________, but God can restore my sanity. 6 months ago I would never have thought I could say those words, let alone actually believe them. I’m so thankful for all the wonderful people I am meeting on this journey. Thanks for letting me join you.
Yay back atcha. I’m so glad my posts encourage you. And you’re right. I love that you included these words and admitted how hard they were to arrive at. Isn’t recovery wonderful? Same world, same truths, but just a spin of the diamond and we get a new view. So glad you’re one of my readers, Sherri.
Isn’t powerlessness great?! I found the more I admit I am powerless over the more I trust that God will restore! I LOVE the thought that fear may be a gift to help others, as I know my alcoholism has been a gift that brought me to know Him in a real and personal way. It is now our gift to let others know that it is OK and God will use our fears and afflictions to be a blessing! Blessings and boldness!
That’s a funny line if you’re not in recovery–and I love it! Yes, it is great. It is such a freeing, amazing thing. Such a paradox that the way to power is to admit you’ve none. Thanks so much for this encouraging note, Tom.
Nice to see you embracing your fear. And as far as doing what we fear, a wise person once told me: “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing badly.”
So true! Amazing how hard it is for us to just do the right thing and leave results and outcomes to God. We humans are a funny bunch. Too much in the head and not enough in the heart. Thanks, John.
I didn’t get a chance to respond last week, but it sounds like you’ve had good support and encouragement. I have been where you are, and though I no longer feel stressed by speaking in public, I do still get very nervous before I get up to speak. Once I cross the threshold from “I have to get up and speak” to “I’m talking to these people” the tummy feathers settle down. I am praying for you to find that freedom as you minister.
Susan, thanks so much for this note of encouragement. I’ve experienced that, too–the initial terror dying down as I get going. The worst is the waiting for the moment, right? That’s why I never liked running track. I couldn’t bear those seconds before the whistle blew. So great to see you here, and thanks for your prayers!