Years ago on the TV show, Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith famously said to her friend Christina, “You’re my person…” We understood that she meant, “You’re the one person on the planet I entirely trust with my secrets and problems.”
Viewers resonated so much with this phrase that, “You’re my person,” became part of our vernacular.
Sorry, but this post is not about that person, but your anti-person, as it were. I’m talking about that boss, co-worker, friend, acquaintance, or relative—who endlessly annoys you, competes with you, is passive-aggressive, exhausting, dismissive, insensitive, or seems intent on making you look or feel bad.
The other night I went to a recovery meeting where this was the topic. I heard so many smart things, but it was surprisingly heartbreaking, too. Regardless of how long we’ve been sober or how much we love God, so many of us have struggled, or are now struggling painfully, with an anti-person.
I once spent years chewing a bone with one guy’s name on it. Night after night, I asked Dave to gnaw alongside me, and sometimes he did. The person never changed one iota and we both got cracked teeth.
Part of what makes our anti-person so problematic is that they’re not going away any time soon. Unlike those folks in our past who we could forgive and happily forget—your anti-person is like a permanent pebble in your shoe.
The problem is quite simple: How can you not live in a constant state of resentment?
Since it’s highly unlikely this person will change, our hope lies in changing our response. It’s almost like we have to develop a posture of pre-forgiveness, or forgiveness preparedness.
I think what I’m describing is an ongoing spiritual process that isn’t even supposed to be easy. But drawing on the shared wisdom of my fellow alcoholics, here are some admittedly hard questions we can ask ourselves that just might give us a jump-start:
What is my part? When people are problematic to us, it feels like they are the problem. But we always have a part, no matter how obscure. How do I think and talk about this person to others? How do I interact with him or her, and what kind of energy do I put out? Am I participating in a subtle but toxic dynamic that takes two to sustain?
Is my pride in the way? Nine times in ten, my anti-person offends my ego, my sense of importance, or my pride. How could greater humility on my part change the dynamics for me? A person can’t hurt my pride if I’ve already set it aside—which can feel impossible, at times. But just being aware of my ego is a good place to start.
Is the person I’m bugged at just like me? I’ve heard it said in meetings, “You can spot it because you’ve got it.” Often, a person’s attitudes or actions annoy us precisely because we see the same faults in ourselves… and we hate them. Practicing self-compassion can radically change how we react to these unattractive qualities in others.
Am I being dishonest with my expectations? Sometimes we have expectations of people that aren’t in line with what this person has already taught us is true about them. It’s unfair to be shocked and dismayed when my anti-person behaves exactly like I knew she would.
Is my own pretense part of the problem? It can be tempting to pretend to our anti-person that everything is great. But love doesn’t ask us to participate in an ongoing lie—or to be doormats. When I put up with a pattern of behavior, I participate in it and appear to accept it. Why not make sure the person doesn’t care enough to change?
Could this pebble in my shoe have a greater purpose? Ultimately, it’s up to me whether this person makes my life miserable or becomes a gift to help me grow in compassion and tolerance. We don’t learn those qualities around people we love and agree with. It’s in the hard, daily work of softening toward someone difficult that we grow and are changed.
Could radical generosity change my heart? In recovery we pray for the people we resent and ask God to bless them with everything we would want for ourselves. And it helps! Something inside of us shifts as we view the person through God’s eyes. Another idea is to give our anti-person the very thing—for example, praise, money, or loyalty—that we most want to withhold. Something about being generous breaks the bonds of our resistance.
So how about you? Do you have an anti-person in your life right now? Or maybe two? How do you cope, and what questions would you add to this list?
If you’ve got no bone to chew, and there’s no pebble in your shoe today, step lightly and rejoice.
Heather, your “you can spot it if you’ve got it” reminds me of a perpetual calendar I saw at a friend’s house before I even knew what recovery meant. It said something to the effect that whatever bugs you about someone else only does so because you are the same way. That was nearly 20 years ago and I clearly remember every detail about the moment I read it. It may actually have been the beginning of my willingness to look at myself as part of my own problems.
Wow, cool comment. Isn’t it amazing how we have those moments that just freeze and stick in our minds? I bet you’re right that it was the beginning of something. “willingness to look at mysel as part of my own problems” is a good way to put it. Thanks for coming by, Denise. Hugs
This year my husband & I will celebrate 25 years of marriage, which is a true miracle considering my “anti-person” is my mother in law! Thanks so much for your insight & encouragement! I am so glad to have found your blog and look forward to following you!
I’m so glad you write, Kelley. I kept thinking, someone here has got to have a mother-in-law for an anti-person. Poor mom in laws, we are so famous for bad behavior. How bizzarre to finally be able to say that and include myself! I became a “mother-in-love” twice over this summer. Man, I want to not be a pest or an anti-person. Congratulations of 25 years of marriage. What a feat! So glad you found me, too, Kelley.
Oh, wow. Just read this, and the timing couldn’t be better. I took the StrengthsFinder a couple nights ago and got my full results — all 34 in descending order.
Discovered that my “anti-person” is (are you ready to “have a heart attack and die of NOT surprise?!?”) someone with all my lowest strengths AND (to add insult to injury) with whom I need to learn to partner partner in order for my strengths to be maximized!
And here I’ve been spending all this time trying to un-person / X (Wind in the Door) them to get them out of my life…
Cheri thanks for letting me know this hit home. I love what you pointed out here–that our anti-person, not our person person, is custom made to grow us! I can so relate to your comment–including your indignation at the discovery.
Luckily I’m vegetarian, and don’t wear shoes,… ( no bones, and no pebbles. Ha!)
But, seriously, Heather, this is spot on.
You’re SO funny. Maybe I should follow suit. I don’t wear shoes either, just BOOTS!
Oh yeah. The enemy image. Those people that reflect back to me where my work is. Like the person at work that is so controlling that everyone walks on eggshells trying to make sure they don’t set her off. Yep, that used to be me. And the people that touch on the less than lovely parts of me are the ones that really get my attention.
I was so relieved when I learned I did not have to like everyone… I just need to treat them with respect and consideration! My sponsor shared with me that forgiveness does not mean I am letting anyone off the hook. It means there are no hooks! That’s freedom…
So I just keep putting one foot in front of the other trusting that I am indeed on the Yellow Brick Road headed home.
I always have an anti-person and one waiting in the wings, even though they’re not very effective these days. A few years ago, I figured out I gripe about others to keep the focus off me. Every single time I talked about someone else, it came back around to me and my life. That nearly ruined the blame game (I hate when that happens), although I played yesterday so I can’t claim I’ve completely given it up.
Guess I should thank you, but I’m not sure I was finished chewing.
Love the picture and the visual I got of you and Dave gnawing a bone.
You are so funny! “I guess I should thank you, but I’m not sure I was finished chewing.” Love that. Sorry about that.
I totally resonate with the blame game thing. Wow, we’re all such complicated creatures, aren’t we?
My anti-person is my husband, a very active and practicing alcoholic with critical disabilities caused by polio contracted when he was 6-9 months old. Life with him is constant exercise in compassion, patience and understanding, and I quite frequently fail.
Wow, I’m sorry about your husband and his difficult situation. You have a lot of courage and I love that I can tell you are using it for your own spiritual good–which is so easy to talk about and hard to do. It’s easy to sit around and imagine loving people hard to love–and a whole other thing to do it in a marriage. You must be good at love, Nancy. I admire you so much. Praying for you right now.
Thanks for the prayers, Heather. I had to learn to love. It did not come naturally for me as I did not receive it as a child. Having my daughters’ love taught me about unconditional love, something I never experienced before. I am so grateful for them and so blessed by them.
I especially like the “… pre-forgiveness or forgiveness preparedness.” I’ve been struggling with a not-so-welcome-cyber-abuser-anti-person. (Geez, can you feel the edge, Yikes) Let it go! Let it go! The truth is relentless, but sometimes I wished it moved a little faster. Always enjoy reading. Always walk away with a fresh perspective. TY
Lisa, I’m sorry to hear you have a cyber abuser person. I had one of those early in my blog and it was waring. He finally gave up and decided to let me keep leading all these people toward hell… But ironically, he was really good for me in that his arguments forced me to write some really important stake in the ground pieces for the blog that I don’t think I would have written otherwise. Arguing with him forced me to articulate my positions and it was so helpful! I think it was after I told how helpful he was that he quit.
I am really enjoying your book, by the way. Great insights! So impressed, friend. Thanks for visiting and I’ll come by and see you soon, too. Remember the days when people had coffee or visited in each other’s homes? Now we visit blogs. Too funny. Take care, H
I tend to walk with the sharp pebble in my shoe longer than I probably should. I used to have more than one at a time in my “shoe.” And I don’t ever send them along with a “and don’t come back” though I used to do. My philosophy is that if all I can think of is that person or situation, it is time to either step away or send them packing. Always with the hope that somewhere we will meet again at a crossroad and reconcile. It has worked that way with some.
Your line “if I all I an of is that person or situation, it’s is time to either step away or send them packing” reminds me of how obsessive we can get with these resentments. Which might be why the worst ones are where we’re getting something out of the deal that motivates us to stick it out… even when we shouldn’t. That happened with me, anyway. Thanks for taking time to share!
I heard something one time that resonates with me everyday…don’t let someone take up space in your head rent free. So I’ve been regularly evicting them every since. I try to do it with grace and love but sometimes…
Great post.
Sherry
Sherry,
Love that saying! And I’ve never heard the idea of regularly “evicting” people and it’s such a great way to put it. And yes, it is possible to evict someone gracefully, right? You smile big as you put their clothes on the lawn…:) Thanks so much for commenting.
Wow. This is so, so powerful, especially the idea of pre-forgiveness or forgiveness preparedness, which is so original and insightful. I wrestle with people I’ve deemed The Anti-Person a lot, but maybe that is just my own way of justifying my own feelings about them and my own failings. I don’t know anymore. I just know your thoughts stir great hope that I can address my own heart. Grateful.
I’m so glad you like this. I love what you said here about using the anti-person as a way to justify your own feelings. We all do that, don’t we? I am so glad you feel great hope. I feel hope on your behalf and I’m praying for you right now.
Wow, the anti-person. Such a great way to think of it. There have been two in my life and the insane obsession I felt with one of them was cured with prayer. Really. Every time that person came to mind, and I began to obsessively “chew on the bone” that nearly drove me out of my mind, I prayed for her. I prayed for her happiness, her well being, and asked God to bless her. It was the most extraordinary moment when I one day realized my obsession was gone. No longer did that awful yuckiness rise to the surface when I thought of her. And 15 years later, all I now feel for her is compassion.
You used the word “obsession,” which is a brilliant word, because that really is how it manifests. Your anti-person is someone who takes up a hugely disproportionate amount of space in your head and heart–way more than seems rational, usually. I love that it was praying that way that saved you. Isn’t funny how we might go through all this over someone and them not even know? Thanks for sharing this, Barb. SO insightful and such a happy ending, the kind that gives hope.
I have 23 years today. I just wanted to share my … awe! I wrote my journal pages this morning about how unbelievable that is. I was once known as a chronic relapser!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! And oh how I love hearing this kind of thing from someone formerly labeled a Chronic Relapser. I think those stories are the most inspiring of all. Whenever I am working with someone who just cant seem to GET IT, I remind myself of all the folks I know who spent YEARS in and out–but because they kept coming BACK, they eventually STAYED. Maybe it was just easier.:) So happy you shared this news with me. I am in AWE, too. Hugs, H
one of the things I like to mention is that I was *APPOINTED* a sponsor who did not dump me because I relapsed. Which had happened every time before we got hooked up. I stumbled into this Big Book study group filled with hardcore sober drunks. They didn’t play around. They undersrood that this is life or death. And they held me up until I could stand on my own. Then they made me come early and make the coffee!
That is a long time and a fantastic milestone! Congratulations!!
How does AA manage to make everything rhyme? I love “you can spot it cuz you’ve got it.” I have such a wide swath of impatience. It’s like this cowlick that you can never quite plaster with enough hairspray. And yet I’m constantly trying to soothe my dear husband. He leaps to so many conclusions that he’s usually hanging on to his temper by his fingertips. I say, “There, there. If it bothers you so much, just walk away. And make it snappy, buster.” Anyone who’s been married for more than 35 years knows exactly who their antiperson tends to be. And you can spot their awfulness cuz you got it too.
Linda
HA. They are good at rhymes, aren’t they? But I’m guessing half the sayings come from other places to start with and get popular there. And yep, I was waiting for someone to say, “What if you’re married to your anti-person!!!??? What THEN?” So far, apart from your joke, I’m glad no one has asked because I wouldn’t know how to answer.
Love ya, friend.
I used to have a few anti persons in the workplace. Now that I am working out of the home, not so much. I do have a friend, actually she was the roommate I replaced when I moved in with my current roommate, Pat; she is both. I love her but sometimes, she just sets my teeth on edge with her comments! Sometimes they are little barbs, and sometimes it is the know it all persona. She tries to “one-up” everyone..you know what I mean, she can do it better, she has already done that with better results..etc. That annoys me to no end. She comes to visit almost every day, she stops in to say hi and chat a bit, but mostly visits with Pat. Sometimes, uncharitably I am sure, I which she wouldn’t come so much or just go away. I feel guilty to say that, because on the one hand she is a friend. It is a confusing and conflicting thing. Anyway, thank you for the post! Again, you inspire me. God bless you Heather, and all you do!
“Sets my teeth on edge,” is a good descriptor. So often this person doesn’t actually HARM us, they just bug us to death. And we don’t resent their actions so much as their personalities, which can be even harder to forgive. I so appreciate your response here today. Thank you, Rebecca!
Heather, this line of yours “I once spent years chewing a bone with one guy’s name on it”, made me smile & chuckle. I have worked with anti-persons that drove me insane and you hit upon some very good points. Currently, I am blessed with very little annoyances in my relationships. God is good. xo
Joanne, isn’t that wonderful that you don’t have presently have any majorly annoying thorns in your side? I think God brings them for seasons, sometimes extended seasons, maybe based on how long it takes us to learn what we’re supposed to. Maybe the best way to get “rid” of the anti-person is to simply pay attention to how they might be a gift so that then we can then put away the wrapping it came in…
So true!
I just love you, Heather! I appreciate your insight and grace. This came right on time.
Oh, thank you! I was hoping for that, that someone would say, “I needed this today!”
So good, it just had to be shared.
Thanks for passing it on, Robin. Hope you’re well. We need to catch up.