[This post is straight from yesterday's Raw entry. A friend wrote to say it touched her and I should post it on my real blog].
I haven’t written here in a few days. I think I do that sometimes when stuff is going on in my life that isn’t Raw sharable. You know, family stuff or personal matters that don’t need to be shared online. Which, I suppose, is the big difference between Raw and my journal.
This morning Jesus was talking about end times, which is one of my least favorite sections. I’m sorry, God. It just is. But once again, I loved this part of a poem by Hafiz called “Wanting our life to make sense.”
All day long you do this, and then even in your
sleep. . . pan for gold.
We are looking to find something to celebrate
with great enthusiasm,
wanting all our battles and toil and our life to
make sense.”
So, so true. And I am one of those gold-panners, sifting every experience, every thing I read, what other say… for that nugget of truth that might buy me some wisdom or help me on my way somehow.
But of course, at the same time, I am not content just to pile up the nuggets somewhere in my head or heart, I want them all to fit together like an expensive lego structure so that it will all make sense–something about the symmetry and timing and truth of my life will add up to Meaning with a capital M.
Why is it some of us are so bent on Meaning and other people are content just to live and be and accept what comes or else label it good or bad, but have no need to think much beyond that? Why do some of us hanker for mystery only to stomp our feet when it doesn’t pan out in a way that helps us?
This poem piece dovetailed really well with what I read in Frederick Buechner’s reflections today too. He was talking about a prof he once had, James Mullenberg, but I was interested in the ideas:
“‘Every morning when you wake up,’ he used to say, ‘before you reaffirm your faith in the majesty of a loving God, before you say I believe for another day, read the Daily News with its record of the latest crimes and tragedies of mankind and then see if you can honestly say it again.’
“He was a fool in the sense that he didn’t or wouldn’t or couldn’t resolve, intellectualize, evade, the tensions of his faith but lived those tensions out, torn almost in two by them at times. His faith was not a seamless garment but a ragged garment with the seams showing, the tears showing, a garment that he clutched about him like a man in a storm.”
I love this. And I so relate to that feeling of wearing a faith that has so many holes and is so poorly made that it feels at times embarrassing. And yet, you couldn’t rip it off my body or take it away from me for the world. It is all I have to clothe me some days, this tattered silly faith in a God who won’t make the world make sense or give it concrete, permanent Meaning, but who insists that I love it and him anyway.
I’m very aware of things not making sense today, of the injustices of the world, of the unfairness of things—all my blessings and all those blessings that people I love don’t have. And the blessings aren’t transferable. They aren’t material, but relational and spiritual and circumstantial. Which is part of the problem with being rich with the kind of gold that isn’t salable—you can’t give it to others even when you want to. It belongs to you in a way that allows you to bless others from some of the profit, but it can’t be handed over.
Here, take this. Let’s trade lives and I will live yours for a while and you can live mine and I’ll suffer for your problems and you can have mine—which are so much less of a burden than yours! If only we really could bring each other relief that way, when someone is having a hard life we could say, “I’ll trade you for a week!”
But our life is the one thing we can’t really and truly ever give away. We can “lose” it and sacrifice for others or and lay it down in service, but we can’t exchange souls like a house swap.
I read a beautiful blog this morning about being grateful for little things like birds, and it reminded me that I have dropped my gratitudes list on the blog. I need to just take it down. Maybe lists just aren’t my style, maybe gratitude happens here in Raw more naturally.
Today I am grateful for this: My husband’s smile and how when I stood at the bathroom door this morning talking to him about a favor I need him to do—mail some books to an author—he suddenly turned and kissed me with shaving cream all over his face—and now mine.
A shaving cream kiss. This is a big thing. This is a gold nugget. This makes sense.
When I put those gold nuggets in my holey pockets they tend to tumble out, but perhaps that is how it is meant to be. I am more thankful, learn more about myself, and remember the point of it all, when I chose to share the nuggets with another. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, both polished and raw… each time I read I am encouraged, challenged, and a little bit richer. It is healing to hear you put words to many of the things I struggle to think through, you have taken some of the load and made it lighter.
Your posts are worth reading just for the pictures you find! (…or maybe you have a pocket fairy that you commission to whip up that suspiciously perfect imagery…? Hmmm, would a fairy even work for commission?)
Either way, we’re blessed.
Amazingly this one is just shutter stock. Now and then you can find actual art there. I Love finding images. Was thinking I love them so much I might use em in raw now and then.
Wonderfully said. Love Buechner. Life is just very hard sometimes and there are no satisfactory answers. I found your blog recently and am really enjoying it.
Good stuff! Especially when shaving cream turns to gold and sharing makes it shine for those of us who need to recognize a nugget of our own sometimes.
Thanks, Gary! Great point. Plus, if you have a wife and you kiss her with shaving cream on your face, you can now blame me.
That poem – wow. I see I need to go buy a book of Hafiz poetry to go beside my Rumi. And the lego structure metaphor! I laughed when I read that; I so relate. It would be so nice if the pieces of my life would fit together like that. And the quote from James Mullenberg. That struck me hard; of late I’ve been less able to read the news. It just strikes such grief in my heart that it’s unbearable at times. But still, even after that, I grudgingly believe that sometimes that gold is found in the unbearable-ness of even that news. That’s what I’ve known in my life. And my panning for gold, too, has brought a peace in just the panning. When I can stop and let it be, and sit with what I find… I find that gold appears even in the pain.
My gold nugget today – awareness of my need to authentically be real, authentically share. Now I’m going to just sit with it and see what happens.
Thanks for writing this; even if my comment didn’t make sense, your post touched me deep today, and I’m grateful.
What a beautiful response. Yes, Hafiz goes very well beside Rumi. I love them both, but if you ask me, Hafiz has a slightly stronger sense of humor. I totally relate to what you said about the news. So much heartbreak. I also loved what you aid about how gold appears even the pain. It’s amazing what shows up when you pan for meaning with an open heart, even if it doesn’t all fit together. I guess this is the truth: Everything doesn’t have to make perfect sense to mean something. Loved hearing from you.
I so appreciated your post today, I have been out of sorts as well and had kind of gone into “coast” mode. I am always trying to make sense of things. I pray to find something that will put me back to a place of peacefulness. I skim blogs, listen to podcasts etc, etc. Your blog always helps me as your words speak to my heart. I think often of those with real harsh trials and burdens and how dare I be down and out over my little misunderstandings and inconveniences. So I must stand and know that the flutters of doubts will pass. I cannot let fear steal my gratefulness and last night as I laid in bed next to my snoring husband I was praying and thinking about all my present crap… then I was thanking God for his snoring and remembering how blessed I am to have him. Here’s to being rich with the kind of gold that isn’t saleable, thank you for this blog post confirming what God was speaking to my troubled soul.
Bubbi,
Boy do I get the part where you are thanking God for hubby’s snoring. At first I thought you meant that you were thanking God for his snoring–and I thought, how terrible of God to be asleep when you need him. Ha. Sometimes it does feel that way, though, doesn’t it? We’re told that God neither slumbers nor sleeps. But maybe he still snores and I suspect he’s power-napped a time or two. I loved hearing that this post resonated with you. Thanks for taking time to say so! Hugs, H
As an introvert, in looking for the gold I analyze, pull it apart, get out the magnifying glass followed by the microscope, pick at it awhile, sigh heavily. Rinse and repeat.
I love your “real.”
You guys are the best commenters. Wow can I relate to this one! And it feels so good to be “got” by people.
This is beautiful –
xx
So is your avatar. Suddenly, I need more coffee!!
At the moment, I see my Creator and the creator of all things, as willing to create us (His Best Work) to freely love, freely hope for, and freely help each other. My guess is most of the others He created didn’t get free will. Maybe, He created us this way to show He isn’t a control freak? idk, but someday I’m sure to ask Him face to face. Hmmm You know, that’s quite an example for us about what it is to love. Remembering, He is love! So far as I know at the moment, Jesus has reserved for himself the power to take away all my suffering and all my pain. Some of my hard life is on me and some is out of my control. I’m very happy / blessed / grateful to share / report that the best times of my life are and were not of me or my doing. I’m amazed by His grace.
Bruce, I like your point that the best times of your life weren’t of your doing. I appreciate your thoughtful response here so much.
Beautiful post Heather! xo
Thanks, Katherine. Means a lot to me.
I too have a very tattered, stain-splattered cloak of faith, but no one is taking it way from me. I fully intend to be buried in it and carry over to the other side.
HA. I love this comment so much. Thanks, Nancy
Ah……Gorgeous……xo
Joanne, thank you. And thank you for the post about birds. I added a link in my post to that post of yours. You bless me!
And You bless me! Thank you…xo