I think she’s ready to quit. She looks like I felt at the end.
I recently received an email from a reader named Greta, who asked for advice on getting through those first early days of sobriety. “I can’t imagine never drinking again,” she wrote.
If you’ve ever tried to put down an addiction, you can probably relate. Given how hard it is to abstain for even a day, the idea of doing so for the rest of your life borders on the absurd.
You might as well take away my chair and expect me to keep sitting!
The good news is that we don’t have to stay sober forever. We only have to stay sober one day—or even one hour or minute—at a time. When we resist the impulse to project our efforts into the future, we increase our chances for success today.
And here’s more good news. While anxiety, desperation, and misery are completely normal in early sobriety, these feelings are not at all indicative of life in recovery: You won’t always feel this way!
But let’s face it. Reassurances like these mostly ring hollow when you’re facing the thirstiest days of your life. What Greta really wants to know, and maybe you do, too—is how do you make it through even a single day? How do you cope with cravings, anxiety, and the increasingly appealing idea of stopping some other day?
It’s a huge subject, but here are some of the ideas that helped me most.
Meditate on Mantras. At first, I was appalled by the dorky clichés I heard in meetings. Then I discovered that they worked. When you are trying to scale the steep rock face of temptation, these deceptively simple sayings are like footholds to keep you steady. Meditating on, “Let go and let God,” or “The first drink will get you drunk,” can save the day.
Refuse to Romance the Drink. Your addict brain will trick you into remembering only the good parts of drinking—how sophisticated you felt, or how lovely it was to drink while cooking. Counter these visions by recalling—out loud if necessary—the less pretty truth about where drinking finally took you. There’s nothing romantic about guzzling wine while locked in your bathroom or… fill in the blank for you.
Get Sweet on Sweets. Especially if you drank wine or sugary cocktails, sucking on a jolly rancher, sitting down for a flavored coffee in the afternoon, or falling in love with ice cream can help relieve your cravings. I’m not advocating trading addictions, but sugar can be a helpful tool if not overly abused. Besides, ask yourself how many calories you used to drink a day?
Remember H.A.L.T. This acronym stands for four powerful triggers—Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Often, our urge to drink is being exacerbated by one of these conditions. In my early days, I was shocked to realize how often my desperation went away after I had eaten dinner or dealt with a resentment. Self-care is a HUGE key to success in early sobriety.
Drink Bubbles. Many alcoholics in recovery still feel compelled to have a glass, bottle, or can in their hand at all times. Since water is one of the few beverages we can safely consume in such large quantities, a surprising number of us get hooked on sparkling water or club soda. Something about the bubbly texture or a hint of flavor makes it feel more special.
Stay Busy and Connected. It goes without saying that you should attend as many recovery meetings as possible. But you also shouldn’t sit around and let your mind wander. During my first sober summer, Dave and I took up biking and it helped tremendously. Revisit an old hobby or find a new one.
Rediscover Your Knees. As you get out of bed in the morning, slide directly to your knees and ask God to keep you sober today. At night, kneel and thank God for keeping you sober today. If at any other point during the day you are seriously tempted to drink—your knees work then, too. “Help!” is a prayer God loves to answer.
Dedicate Your Relinquishments. What I mean by this is, turn your choice to abstain into a sacrifice you make for God.
This last tip only makes sense if you have a personal God, I admit. But if I had to choose one idea that helped me most, it might be this.
Early in my recovery, the sight of others enjoying drinking pained me—even if I pretended otherwise. One afternoon, I found myself with Dave at a party where everyone was imbibing. Standing there with my ice-tea, I wanted a glass of wine so deeply it hurt.
Then something I’d read earlier that day in a book by Gerald May came to mind. He’d written about how we can imbue our suffering with meaning and purpose by dedicating our relinquishments back to God.
At the time, it sounded like mumbo jumbo. But that afternoon, something clicked. What if I could not drink, “unto the Lord?” What if I could view my choice to abstain as a sacrifice of love for his sake, instead of just suffering for nothing?
I shut my eyes and prayed a short prayer, dedicating my thirst and pain back to God. Almost immediately, my perspective shifted. I was no longer a deprived person at a party. I was participating in a spiritual practice.
For possibly the first time ever, I thought I might understand a little of what it means to share in Christ’s sufferings, and let him share mine.
I’d love to hear from you today. If you have battled any addiction—food, love, alcohol, drugs, or gambling—what ideas or tips have helped you make it through?
Thank you very much for this. The last one is not a perspective I’ve heard of (or paid attention to anyway) before. I feel this will be key for me.
Tara, I’m so glad you liked it. Hope I see you here again, and have a great day. H
On Wed, Mar 6, 2013 at 10:16 AM, Heather Kopp
Thank you for this. This is one of the best, most succinct lists I have seen on this topic. Its amazing how many different things help- not just prayer or meditation, but tangible things like ice cream and bubble water.
Thanks liz! So true. After I wrote this I realized I had basically hit on mind, body, soul. We really do need a holistic approach. So great to see you here!
I believe “life to the full” (abundant life) revolves around a focus on a living and loving relationship with God, lived in the atmosphere of grace that is found in the dynamic the bible describes as “in Him” (and reciprocally, He in us).
There is a reality that I found great benefit meditating on. It struck me in a revelatory kind of way one day when someone pointed out to me that a cigarette was an inanimate object (I was trying to quit smoking after enjoying sobriety). In some ways, over time, without being totally conscious of it, we may have gotten into a weakened self image, particularly so in light of the power of God in us, and through us. I toatally believe in the reality of God in us and through us, but I think part of His relational involvement with us is never forcing His love on us. (forced love is an obvious oxymoron). This reality is at play in all the processes of transformation that He is working in our lives. We truly do get to participate as the knowing of Him, grows and progresses.
Anyway, realizing and acknowledging His presence and power allows us to recognize what is at our disposal as we contend with those inanimate objects (cigarettes, drugs, booze, porn, food, whatever) that we may be accessing to “fill our holes”. Perhaps it is just me, but it was a powerful realization for me that I, through the power of God in me, had control over this inanimate object. Even so, it a learned dynamic, and other helps are always welcome (multi-faceted attack or defence, depending on the perspective we are viewing it with.
Your post was excellent with so may great suggestions.
I will close with noting there is nothing quite like really wanting it to happen (weighing pros and cons inside a right mind). One should always remember to distinguish between the “desires of our heart” and desire as in feeling like doing it. God lives in the heart of the believer and gives us the desires of our hearts as we delight in Him. When our feelings don’t align, we have to switch to our minds (truth – living by emotions can be a real mine field) in exercising our will (all empowered and sourced in God).
As you can guess, I can relate why you has trouble keeping this stuff short….smile…
Love your points here, Tom. Forced love. Sometimes we’d wish for it, wouldn’t we? As always, your wisdom and insights are powerful and helpful. Thanks for “wasting” your words and on my comments section! And yes, I know they are not “wasted” but they are extravagant and a gift and I appreciate them so much. I know other readers do too.
Hi Heather…..I so appreciate your blog. I humbly ask for prayer for my brother who is an alcoholic. None of us know how to pray anymore or what to pray for. All of us are afraid for his health, his life, I just got off the phone with my Dad and he was distraught. We have been going through this for so long…..It helps that others know this struggle. Lori
Lori. Oh my. I am so glad to pray for your brother. It’s just so heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I just don’t know if there’s anything worse than watching someone we love being taken by addiction or alcoholism. Long before the physical aspects or even death, there is the loss of the person’s presence and all the intangible losses like intimacy and connection. And you feel so powerless, because of course, you are. I am praying for your brother right now. That God will intervene and that he will become willing to go to any length to get and stay sober. It seems like for most of us the hope comes when both those things come together. Sure am grateful to have you on my blog, Lori. Hugs.
This post really hit home to me. When I quit smoking I gave it to God. I prayed for strength to never smoke again and to make the smell of cigarette smoke so repulsive to me that I would never pick up another cigarette. God answered right away. Sometimes we have to wait for an answer, but not this time. It was instantaneous. The craving left me completely and the smell of cigarette, pipe and cigar smoke..all of it..was very repulsive to me. I knew then that I would never smoke again. At this time, I had a 3 pack a day addiction. After this prayer, I have not smoked one cigarette. This was November 16, 2006. My gambling addiction was a different story. I live in Las Vegas so gambling is everywhere. I didn’t give it to God, because I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to gamble again. You can’t give something up to God and take it back, and I was not ready to quit. I would swear that I would cut back. I’d limit myself to spending only $20, or $10 or $5..you could fill in any amount there. Of course, as with any addiction, you can’t do it “just a little bit”. It doesn’t work that way. The minute I would sit down at a machine, that $5 bill turned into another $20 and on and on until I hurt myself financially. I would stay chasing that money by spending more, until all I had was gone. I lived on hot dogs and eggs because I didn’t even have money to eat properly. I felt horrible, but I kept doing it..Finally, I did the only thing that I could do at this point..I prayed. I didn’t only ask God for the strength to quit, but for the DESIRE to quit as well. Again, God helped me. I could not tell you the day I stopped. It was a gradual process, but I remembered the “one day at a time” approach, so I told myself, today I will stay away from the casinos, no gambling today. The more I stayed away from the casinos, the stronger I became. I have gone into casinos and eaten at a buffet or cafe and left and never stopped at a machine. I no longer had the desire to gamble. Thank you for your posts, Heather. I have never had a problem with alcohol, but there are many different addictions and it applies to all of them. Since I review books, Net Galley sends me emails on upcoming books and gives me the opportunity to read them prior to their launch date. Guess what? Your book was offered and I downloaded it. I am anxious to read it. Thank you again for all you do!
Oh Rebecca, this is such a helpful, honest response. I love how willing you are to share your story. I had never heard of Net Galley–and I was surprised by it! Wow, it seems like everyone in the world would sign up and get free books. But I guess you probably have to prove you will actually review or write about them. I am so glad you are getting my book. I hope you won’t be disappointed. It’s just my story, not all that surprising, especially if you read my blog. Anyway, thanks for your faithful participation here. Means so much!
I am very sure that I won’t be disappointed. You are an great writer, I can tell from this blog. I will enjoy reading it so much. You connect with people and your honest, straightforward message needs to be heard. Like I said earlier, it is meaningful to all, not just alcoholics. I think if more people were truly honest with themselves, they would recognize that they have some kind of addiction. Maybe they don’t give in to it like addicts that need help, but it is there waiting in the wings for those that surrender to the addiction rather than to God. It is a sobering thought isn’t it? Hence, your title!
I like that I make one voice in my head speak only “love.” This means that no matter what horrible, critical, lacking, negative, drinking thoughts I have, one voice must consistently speak for God—unwavering love. Works for me every time! And I love the post!
This is a lovely idea. Thank you, LIsa! I hope my readers will check out your blog and book.
This morning I telescope my addict’s needs and wants, trying trying to understand. I understand nothing and the cosmos laughs. For the umpteenth weekend in a row my son, who has been given a wonderful job (his first real job), only made it halfway through Saturday without using. Now, a pall hangs over the Monday house, me wondering what he told his boss, he skulking around in his hoodie. I kneel, try to sacrifice myself for him, but the distance is too great, galaxies and universes from here to there. A gentle hand reaches for me, entreats me to stand, breathe, go about my Monday-ness. Only then do I see that the wormhole to recovery, that patricular seeker’s highway, exists only for my son. My own private tesseract awaits, a confessional meant for only me. The river is wide, is it not? I will never understand. May it always be so. Good one, Heather! Much love.
What a moving and amazing response. I am so sorry about your son, Linda. Oh, addiction sucks so much! It is such a nightmare for the people around the user. Ironic, isn’t it–that the user is seeking bliss and escape and yet what his use brings others is the opposite–only pain and a reminder of our powerlessness to fix another person’s life. It would be easy to go under and join in some days. Fine! Let’s all get drunk and high and out of our minds and then the whole world will be too high to care who is high–let the drug cloud descend. Wow, that sounds hopeless. Don’t mean to be that way, just resonating with the pain of it all. I love: “A gentle hand reaches for me, entreats me to stand, breathe, go about my Monday-ness.” Thank God for that gentle hand. Without it, our mother-love might just be too much to bear. Love you, Linda.
Hello Heather,
I was so gratified to read the section you titled, “Dedicate Your Relinquishments.” I was raised Catholic and the idea of sharing in Christ’s sufferings is part of the doctrine that I learned at an early age in private Catholic Schools. I gave up the faith at the age of 15, when I became pregnant with my first daughter back in a time when “good girls didn’t do things like that.” After many, many years of being an agnostic, I became a “born again” Christian. Their doctrine doesn’t beleive in suffering with Christ, at least as I was taught it. I continued to hear “the Cross accomplished it all.” End of story. But, I could never relinquish the idea of wanting to share His sufferings. (Read to many biographies of the saints, I guess)
Long story, short, I am now not an agnostic, not a born again Christian, and not a Catholic. I guess there is no label for me except maybe, seeker. But I do believe, (that old tattered, stain-splattered cloak) and every time I find some kernel of belief that fits what I believe I feel grateful.
So I thank you, this morning.
Nancy
So well said, Nancy! I have no Catholic background or training and so I’m sort of a post evangelical? I don’t know. Labels suck and not sure I have one that fits. I like the word seeker, but I like the word pilgrim even better. I am thinking I should write a post about that. You are such a dear friend to me. Thanks for taking time to comment and sharing from your heart.
Another helpful and encouraging post Heather! I just hit my 6 month mark on being sober and I have to say that it was really hard the first 2 or 3 months. Lots of crying, self-hatred, disappointment, shame. But changing my behavior and thoughts over time turned to gratitude, acceptance, forgiveness, self-love, and relying on a bowl of ice cream at night, my supportive husband and this sober blogging community.
It is true that when I think back to the drinking days, they weren’t all bad ones, like you said ‘having a drink while cooking’, but then I remind myself of all the bad times and I ask myself ‘do I really want to return to that?’ The answer is always ‘hell no!’ I don’t miss the forgetfulness, shame, hang overs, hiding in the bottle, relying on the drink to function, expense, and the list goes on and on.
I hope that Greta finds as much comfort in the sober blogging community as I have and takes on one day/hour/minute at a time. It is so worth it! Waking up with energy, clearly setting future goals, facing the challenges in life with eyes wide open and a renewed heart. I am so grateful for every sober day!
What an inspiring and honest post. I hope “Greta” reads it–she and all the others who desperately need encouragement to make it through those first days. I am so glad that you have found so much help through the sober blogging community. Isn’t it amazing how much we can really get to know each other this way? I feel like I have a whole new circle of friends. Your comment today means a lot, so thank you!
I tried for several years to STOP doing drugs the worlds way. Be it rehab or meetings (not saying they aren’t beneficial for some) self help books and groups. I tried everything that the world of recovery told me to do because “that was the only way.” But it wasn’t until I came face to face with the redemptive, saving power of Jesus Christ that I was able to lay the drugs down and be done.
Actually 7 years ago today. 2/11/2006. I was 4 months pregnant with my baby girl when I met Jesus and started the road to giving it up. I may have laid down the drugs that day but actual freedom came later when I realized that true intimacy with Christ is the only way we can be free from whatever binds us.
I love hearing more of your story. Keep sharing. You’re awesome!
Celebrating that 7 year mark must feel fabulous. I’m so glad you found the hope and the answer you need. And I couldn’t agree more that we all find our way home through different means. Since I became an addict long after my salvation experience, I needed a different route back to God and found it through recovery. Same God, same Jesus, different approach to my faith. I think it’s amazing how many different avenues and ways God will take in order to save us where we are. Thanks for commenting!
Love this post. It’s refrigerator door worthy!
Thanks, Robin. It feels important, but also inadequate, as I’m sure you understand. I appreciate you so much.
Thank you for the post. I don’t struggle with drinking but with my sexuality. Everything you’ve suggested works for it too. For that I am grateful.
Thanks so much, Rachel. I love it when a post resonates with anyone. So glad you wrote.
Such an encouraging post–so glad you shared it. It strikes me that this wisdom can be helpful in other life battles; I found many of these steps really helped me recently during a dark and shadowy time in my life. And it’s great to have them in list. It’s like having anchors to hold on to in the midst of the raging storm–and weapons to fight aginst the ropes tangling up my feet.
Thanks for this lovely and insightful comment, Annie. I agree these ideas apply to so much more than stopping drinking, and most of us are thirsty every day for some more we imagine we don’t possess but probably do. Hugs, H