Still Life with Lovers, Van Gogh
It’s upon us again. That heart-shaped holiday single women love to hate and coupled women hate to love, since it so often disappoints.
From my earliest days with Dave, I took Valentine’s Day pretty seriously. I wanted it all—the romance, the flowers, the candy.
When Dave failed his first important boyfriend test, I made sure he knew why this holiday mattered so much. “The whole world knows what day it is,” I explained. “And women ask each other, ‘What did he do? What did he get you?’ If you do little or nothing, I feel embarrassed!”
How twisted is that? I wanted tangible evidence of Dave’s adoration mainly to prove to my friends that I was loved and loveable—Ack!
Actually, it was worse than that. Dave quickly learned that even if he lavished me with gifts, a poem, or chocolate on Valentine’s Day, he wasn’t home free. He needed to behave in ways that made me feel romanced and pursued. If my heart failed to flutter, clearly he was only going through the motions…and he could expect a tantrum.
In retrospect, I viewed Valentines Day not as a day to celebrate love, but as an opportunity to test it. It was like I set a trap, and then lay in wait for Dave to screw up—so I could pounce and feel hurt and offended.
What kind of wife or girlfriend acts like that?
At the time, my motives were a mystery even to me. But here’s what I see looking back. As an active alcoholic, I pretty much specialized in behaving badly. And since I knew that the “score” in our marriage was skewed in Dave’s favor, I relished his mistakes. For at least a few hours, I got to feel a little less guilty.
Thank God, a lot has changed since I got sober. These days, I no longer wield Valentine’s Day like a sword. And Dave pays me the huge compliment of believing me when I say that I don’t expect or need a big display of romance.
The irony of it all is that Dave is actually the most romantic husband I know—and far more romantic than me. All year long, he takes me on dates, sends me love notes, tells me he’s crazy about me, and frequently brings home flowers.
Always, on Valentine’s Day, he endeavors to make us reservations for dinner somewhere nice. I say endeavors because despite his best intentions, he tends to forget until it’s too late to get into a restaurant we’d like.
It happened again this year. A few nights ago, he told me apologetically, “Honey, it hit me today that Valentine’s Day is around the corner. And I haven’t made any reservations yet.”
I pouted a little. “Now it’s probably too late to get a table anywhere but Denny’s,” I said.
I let him sit with that for a moment—I’m still just a little bit mean—before I smiled and told him the truth: “We have reservations at The Blue Star. I made them a couple weeks ago.”
He lit up. “You did? Really?”
I assured him how happy it made me to do this simple thing.
And then he used a favorite phrase of his, one I’ve learned to use in return. Four simple words, but in the mouths of lovers, they become a way we gently teach each other how to be married.
“That feels like love,” he said.
I knew it would.
I just love your honesty and your writing. You are gifted and write to the soul. It feels like love.
Showing our love is not perfect but there is a perfect love. Blessings and love.
I love the phrase “That feels like love.” I’m going to practice having more of those times. Made me cry in a good way.
This is a sweet story — what love is really all about, not what the Valentine’s Industry tells us it should be! Enjoy your day, and your date.
Thanks so much, Jeannie! I hope you a great V Day, too–and that you feel God romancing you and that you notice him lurking around all day, spying on you, aiming lots of glances of love your way.
That was just beautiful, Heather! We should all be so lucky! Sounds like you have a one of a kind man, there..he’s a keeper!
Have Valentine’s Day to both of you..have a great time!!
Oh my. I do have a one of a kind guy, but he’s also just a man. It’s amazing how once you get over that fact, a man is so much easier to love and under love’s gaze, he changes. Happy V-Day, Rebecca!
Gorgeous.
I love a one word response, Gorgeous you. I hope you are feeling the fullness of your Beloved’s love today–God is better than any man. H
Wow
Aww. Happy V Day!
Thank you, that (post) feels like love…
So glad! Thanks so much for taking time to say this to me. Your comment feels like love, too.
Valentine’s day seems to cruise by at our house with little reflection. My husband is such a softy that he doesn’t like cut flowers…he hates watching them die. He used to buy me potted plants but they died too…and he didn’t like that either. You’d never know it by looking at him, or listening to him, but even pruning the trees in the back yard cause him a bit of angst. He won’t hunt, but he loves to fish. But I swear he used to kill the fish by putting them in the freezer rather than hitting them in the head. And he tells me how much he loves me so often that I know I sometimes take it for granted. So Valentine’s day is totally unnecessary around our house.
I just love this description of your husband! It almost makes me want to use my least favorite word–precious. But seriously, I just love him and I am so happy for YOU. We who find love can never fully comprehend the true value of our riches they are so beyond measure. To find love is grand, but to find the love of your life is stupendous.
I so love this post…..Thank you. Lori
Lori, thanks so much. I am gonna come by your “house” today and say hi. Happy Valentines Day!
Oh Heather, I love being with you and your friends! such good company
Sharon, I’m so glad you feel this way! Happy Valentines Day!!
We’ve both been so busy, we are equally unprepared. And that looks like love too. Love that you thought about making the reservation yourself. psst . . I have a new website, come over and take a look. http://redemptionsbeauty.com.
Love your new site!! So pretty and such a great reflection of your personality. Happy Valentines Day, Shelly! Ah, yes. Equally unprepared is a beautiful thing. Equally okay with being so is priceless.
“In retrospect, I viewed Valentines Day not as a day to celebrate love, but as an opportunity to test it.” This, and “wielding Valentine’s Day like a sword” really resonated with me. How true is that? The perfect holiday for score keeping.
Ain’t that a shame? It’s so true, though. For me, anyway. I hate the ledger and keep throwing it out and then it reconstitutes itself again and there it is–accompanied by a pretty pen–asking me to note something. Ack! NO. The second you start keep score, the best you can ever be is even. I don’t want to be even–I want to love without measure. Hey, I like that. Can I quote me?
Anyway, I appreciate you writing so much. Happy Valentines Day!!
kind of like *telling people what you need* instead of waiting for them to improve their mind reading skills! Nice!
Ah! Yes. That’s it exactly. I used to love to watch Dave not read my mind or get it wrong rather than simply helping him understand what feels like love to me. Such a waste. Thank God it’s mostly changed now, but I’m always capable of regression… Happy V Day Marjie!
That was beautiful! I suspect given God’s omniscience, we couldn’t surprise God the way you surprised Dave, but I bet He “got a bit mushy” watching that love offering.
I don’t know if you intended depth or profundity, but that line “not…..to celebrate love, but to test it” compels much meditation and/or mining for nuggets. Thanks.
Happy Valentine’s Day to both ou you!
Thanks, Tom! Happy V-Day. Happy mining, friend.