Art by Angela Recada, used by permission
To journey without being changed
is to be a nomad.
To change without journeying
is to be a chameleon.
To journey and to be transformed
by the journey
is to be a pilgrim.
–Mark Nepo
I often say in recovery meetings that if God took me out of his oven today and declared me “done”—I’d be utterly devastated.
Which is probably why I love this poem by Mark Nepo. Few things mean more to me these days than the hope of change—the promise that I might be a better person tomorrow than I am today.
This wasn’t always the case. Especially during my drinking years, I was the nomad in Nepo’s poem—journeying without being changed.
How could it be otherwise? You can’t numb yourself to life and expect to be shaped by your experiences. You can’t pickle your brain in alcohol every day and hope to grow anything but smaller.
I have also been the second person in Nepo’s poem—the chameleon who changes without journeying. Especially during the formative years of my Christian faith, what I fancied as spiritual growth—changing my beliefs, friends, and taboos—was really more about conforming to the Christian culture around me.
When I first got sober, I imagined that by removing alcohol from my system, I’d instantly be restored to some former, better Heather—and spiritual transformation would quickly follow.
Instead, putting down the bottle did little or nothing to improve my personality. Mostly, it threw a spotlight on my immaturity and selfishness.
Given this painful blow to my ego, I determined to work a “strong program”—to be the best damn recovering drunk there ever was—much the same way I had once striven to be a “strong Christian.”
I was arrogant enough to think I could accomplish that without actually working the 12 Steps or getting a sponsor.
After six months, I relapsed. Duh!
In the five years since, I’ve slowly been learning the difference between the part I play in my spiritual growth and the part only God can play.
I can take needed actions and make good choices. I can try to do the next right thing. But only God has the power to actually transform my soul, to alter my nature at its very core.
So if I want to become the pilgrim in Nepo’s poem—journeying and being changed by the journey—my most important job is to offer the least possible resistance to the work of God’s hand.
For me, that means taking time every morning to sit in silence and surrender. It means inviting God through prayer to access every corner of my heart.
It means meditating on the One in whose likeness I will someday awaken.
I’d love to hear from you today. How does your soul grow?
Heather – thank you for taking the time and effort to put your thoughts into posts. I am not from recovering from any addiction – except maybe being incredibly ego-centric which manifested so many times into cruelty – but rather just trying to live out my life closer to the God who gave me so much more grace than I have ever given to others. Much of your struggles mirror mine, so you are an encouragement to this recovering mean girl! And as for other recoverers, I have forwarded your blog to friends who I know will be encouraged by your honesty. Thank you.
Oh, to have my ego surgically removed! I’d pay for that quicker than getting my nose fixed.
Love your honest posts, Heather.
Let me know if you find a good surgeon. Been looking for one all my life.
I keep thinking how good I would look without my ego. Wait… that’s my ego! See what I mean?
Ah yes, amen. How does my soul grow? You pour water on it, as a fellow sojourner…as a sister-Christ-follower. You inspire, you refresh, you pour out. You walk alongside with encouragement and honesty, always. I am resting on your words and thoughts, especially, regarding getting in the way of the work He wants to accomplish. Another amen.Blessings your way, friend.
Wow, what a lovely way to encourage me. Thank you. You remind me that this blog is a big part of how I grow too–not just doing the reframing and perspective shifting it helps me to do–but also what I hear back from readers like you. You bless me so much, Elizabeth. Thank you.
Thank you for the poem and this post. I found it inspiring. My soul grows when I seek the good. I’m trying to do that for Lent — to seek the good in situations and circumstances, in other people even when they frustrate me, in myself. And there’s always good stuff in this blog!
Jeannie,
What a great idea for Lent–to seek the good. I need to do that today in several situations. So often the real problem isn’t a problem, it’s just that we are perceiving it as one. I’ve heard it said the definition of a difficulty is whatever we decide is in the way. Finding the good in a thing is a much better way to “use” it for growth instead of just climbing over or under. Thanks writing!
Heather, I love this: “I can take needed actions and make good choices. I can try to do the next right thing. But only God has the power to actually transform my soul, to alter my nature at its very core.” So, so true. We only make good choices if we want to make good choices, and only God can change the wanter within. Without his gracious touch, we just don’t want the right things. We are fallen creatures, and God’s image in us is blurred and distorted. Thank God that Christ gave himself to redeem us from our sorry state.
And isn’t it frustrating how our ego seeks to co-opt our transformation for our own glory? Ultimately this isn’t a story from the self-improvement section at Barnes and Noble. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. When I follow, his glory is on display– not mine.
I remember a children’s Bible school song: Read your Bible, pray every day, and you’ll grow, grow, grow! It sounds cliched, but it hits the nail on the head. My soul grows when I sit before God’s word and listen to his voice; when I study to know this God into whose image I am being transformed; when I adore his excellencies, confess my rebellion and selfishness, thank him for his gracious providence, and bring all my neediness for him to supply.
Thank you, Norm! So great to hear from you. I love the point you make about how our ego seeks to co-opt our transformation for our own glory. I always appreciate your thoughtful comments. Hope you have a growing day.
Oh this touched my heart… so much so that it brought tears to my eyes.
I am thinking about Rachel Remen and thought you might appreciate this story (http://www.healingjourneys.org/initiation-the-gift-of-new-eyes/)
Recovery gives us the gift of new eyes. And because we tell our stories, we pass along the gifts we collect on our journey. Thank you for touching my heart today.
Deborah
Deborah, I will check this out now. Thank you for touching my heart today and so many days, too. Isn’t recovery amazing?
Loved that link. Loved her! I was reading to Dave the part about the brother realizing not that he wanted to be a doctor, but that he was. So cool. So true. Thank you.
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 2:21 PM, Heather Kopp
I am glad you enjoyed Rachel. Her book Kitchen Table Wisdom is on my table with all of my recovery books.
Embrace the nails is my motto. I used to wonder why God made heaven. If there are no tears there (my child mind thought that meant no problems, all happiness), why would anyone bother with it? Boring old heaven again for the umpteenth time–no drama, no chance to hurt so God can make it better. Is grace the same in a perfect man’s life? Only for One that we know of.
The rest of us tote the cross, endure the excruciating via dolorosa, stumble along with a rock in our shoe. Maybe there’s no Lent in heaven either, but the contrast between pain and love tells me that they must undergo some atomic meld there at the Mercy Seat, some alchemy that lets us see at last: pain is only the other side of love. Embrace the nails. Hurts so good. Linda
Ha. I read this first line and hadn’t looked at the name and I knew it was going to be you! Embrace the nails is the my motto. LOVE this line in particular: “Maybe there’s no Lent in heaven either, but the contrast between pain and love tells me that they must undergo some atomic meld there at the mercy Seat, some alchemy that lets us see at last: Pain is only the other side of love.” You are such a writer, Linda. Which must be why you are one of my favorite writers. I am so honored every time you drop your gems in my comment section. Someday I’ll collect them and put em all in a book for you and make you rich. Love you, friend. Miss you.
Your words-”I’d love to hear from you today. How does your soul grow?” My answer- By reading your blog posts.
Aw, that’s such a wonderful compliment. I needed to hear that today as I also got an email from a reader telling me pretty much that I am a danger to others’ souls because I don’t approach the Bible the way she does. So glad God can use me anyway in my all flawed efforts to say something helpful.
I’m working on being mindful of grace. In the book that I’m reading, Breathing Under Water, there is a sentence toward the beginning that says ” grace serves as humiliation for the ego”. And what I’ve learned about that is you cannot be in both at the same time. Practice, practice!
Are you reading Richard Rohr? If it’s the book I’m thinking of, I have it too! And I love that idea–I have written somewhere too–about how grace is the antithesis of ego–which is saying something similar. I am so glad to have you as a reader. And yes, you are so right that you can’t operate from ego and grace at the same time. Thanks for this response!
Indeed. I am also reading another one of his books – Falling Upward. I had the pleasure of attending one of his conferences 3 years ago, and I keep looking for his return to Los Angeles.
just…..wow! Beautifully expressed.
Tim, thanks so much for your encouragement. Needed that.
My soul grows when I take my daily challenges and give them to God. Daily meditation and prayer, and spiritual thought, word & deed are also my soul growers. xo Joanne
Thanks, Joanne!
My soul grows inside the environment of the BIG soul of God (in Him). Jesus is full of grace and truth (that is the environment). Sorry to “proof text” but 1 Peter 3:17 “…that you may not be carried away….from your secure position”. Then verse 18 reads like this to me. “But grow inside the grace, and knowing of, our Lord Jesus Christ”. Not just incrementally getting more grace and knowledge, but seeing what the environment of grace is delivering and enjoying the relational knowing of Him as I observe the transformational work He is doing (usually best seen in retrospect – if I try to plan or orchestrate it, I ususally end up doing something in my own strength that doesn’t turn out so good….smile).
Legalists love to use Phillipians 2:12 “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling” as an imperative for all the work we are responsible to do. The sense of that verse is actually “work OUT OF your salvation…”. This is borne out by what follows – verse 13 “for it is God who works in you both to will and to do (act) according to His good pleasure”.
The pressure is off. We can rest and simply engage in responding to what He is willing in us, and with the power He provides to do so. This transformation usually involves a process (even the ones that seem like events are usually more complex when thoroughly analyzed) and along the way, He is very understanding, never forcing His love on us. Besides His power (we have our very existance in Him), He provides help through other people, His words (bible) and other materials, circumstances, etc., “working in the midst of all of it for good….”.
God’s soul is so much bigger than mine and He is managing His relationship with all His creation out of that soul. All we can do is refuse it, if we haven’t yet come to trust that everything He is doing (His plan that thankfully always remains His plan, I must but trust and follow), He is doing out of love. If so, He’ll wait, and keep loving in the meantime.
Regardles of anything we do (good or bad) or anything we don’t do (good or bad) his affection for us never changes. It is always as complete as He is.
Thanks for this wonderful response, Tom. You make some great points, especially the one about Phil 2:12. Yes, thank God the pressure is off! I don’t use a lot of Scripture on my blog, which would take me to long to explain why that’s probably the case, but I love the way you always pull out such wonderful examples as they relate to the topic. I am so lucky to have you for a reader, Tom.