Art by Filipe Echevarria
I meet a lot of people in recovery who are mad at God. In many cases, their anger can be traced to past hurtful experiences with religious people or institutions.
Others carry a grudge because they can’t reconcile a good God with the needless suffering, senseless evil, and unfixable poverty they see in the world.
Still others blame God for wounds they suffered at the hands of other people.
When I work with an alcoholic who resents God, I’ve found that it doesn’t help much for me to defend him or try to repair his reputation. More and more I am learning to ask, “Have you told God how you feel?”
It’s surprising how many people haven’t. Ironically, many of us—including people of faith—have been conditioned to treat God like he’s not really there.
As a new Christian in my early twenties, I learned that it was wrong to get angry at God, and even worse to let this truth slip—especially to his face. (Watch out!)
My pastor never actually said, “Don’t be honest with God if you’re mad at him.” But it was understood: God is to be treated with kid gloves. He is to be praised and worshiped at all times.
Which made sense to me. Except it didn’t, really. I mean, if God already knows my heart, why try to hide what’s in it? And if God is so great, how can his ego be so fragile?
I must have concluded that pretending is simply the price you pay if you are impossibly angry with the very Person whose love and help you need the most.
Around this same time, I was trying to cope with painful childhood wounds from my father and stepfather. I carried deep resentments toward all men—and secretly, toward God too.
After all, God made men. And since in my mind God was singularly male, he was doubly guilty.
One winter afternoon, a painful event in my marriage triggered my outrage anew. But this time, instead of lashing out at my first husband, as was my habit, I let God have it.
For at least an hour, as dusk fell outside, I beat God up for every bad thing a man had ever done to me. I screamed like a banshee in his face and pounded his chest with my fists. (Okay, it was the bed that got the pounding.) I accused him of heartlessness, perverseness, deafness, and impotence.
And I didn’t apologize afterward.
Instead, I waited for God to strike me dead. Even hoped for it. Still crying, I told him that would be just fine by me.
I was that mad.
After a while (perhaps when God thought it was safe), I felt his presence near me. And then I felt—in a way I can’t explain or defend—that I was understood. That God welcomed my honest outpouring of grief and anger—and in some very real way even shared it.
Nothing has been the same between us since.
Though plenty has gone wrong. In the years to come, I would greatly compromise my relationship with God in countless ways, and not just through alcohol.
As it turns out, there are a thousand ways to betray God.
But there are a thousand more ways to make up with him.
In the meantime, God’s invitation to be completely honest and real with him—to come exactly as I am, not as I wish I were—has never been withdrawn.
I wonder what your experience is with this topic. If you are angry at God today, are you willing to tell him why?
What if God is inviting you to throw the first punch?
P.S. I am leaving town this weekend for a short business trip, so I won’t be posting again until late next week at earliest. If you want to keep up with me, as always, there is Raw.
From your original post, “Ironically, many of us—including people of faith—have been conditioned to treat God like he’s not really there”.
I experience this too. One thing that really challenged me was a wise friend advised me once regarding being at odds with someone, to rather than be bitter, rather pray, “God, if I am wrong, please show me. If he is wrong, please show him”. Then let it go.
But do we believe at a moment like that that this will be sufficient? Do we believe God is actually there and will answer this prayer?
Or do habit and our cultural pressures compel us to take matters into our own hands and scrap it out… or be bitter… or whatever.
I see no reason, if we are people of faith, to be brutally honest with God even if we are upset with him. Now I a not up for cursing him, but I am up for asking him the tough questions… even about himself.
‘
Even Jesus asked, “Why have you forsaken me”? Pretty honest question.
ciao.
Chaz
Chaz, great points. And I agree that freedom to get mad at God doesn’t mean the same thing as license to cuss him out for fun. I am so glad you are one of my readers. Great to see you. H
I love that question,”Have you told God you are mad.” I don’t know why Christians grow up thinking that the only acceptable emotion is happiness. That it somehow diminishes our faith to be angry. God made all us with a plethora of emotions, anger being one of them. This is such a good message Heather. Hope your trip is going well.
I love your point that it doesn’t diminish our faith to be angry–and God made us with these emotions. So great to see your face here, friend. I need come by your place for a visit soon. Hugs and love to you.
I suspect we’ve all FELT God forsaking us. Jesus experienced the same emotion on the cross while enduring the wrath of God upon the sins and resultant pain of all the world. Of course He understands (it used to be little more comfort than a cliche to at one time in my life).
Contrary to alot of preaching, God had not forsaken Him. Jesus followed this expression of His human emotional state with the words “Into thy hands I commit my spirit”.
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me” is the opening verse of Psalm 22 which goes on to explain why He felt this way, but then proceeds to affirm “God with us”, culminating in Psalm 23…. green pastures, still waters, God with us through the valley of the shadow of death….and preparing a table in the MIDST of whatever the enemies of our soul throw at us…..surly goodness and mercy will follow us….
Yes, we can be sure Jesus understands …. He sweated drops of blood just thinking about what He would go through…He understands and is with us in our pain and confusion.
Great point about how Jesus felt versus what was actually happening. I love the psalms for this reason–the writer gets angry, but almost always they come back around to affirm God’s lovingkindness and tender mercies. Thanks for the comment Tom–sorry I’m so late getting back.
You nailed it Heather, God only seems to share his overwhelming presence when I am deeply honest with Him as well as with myself. I just retured from the poverty and richness of Guatemala. Had some long honest (sometimes emotional) talks with God about human suffering. His answer to me was the same “Blessed are the poor in spirit”. I understood there that He wants me to be so poor in pride that I don’t have two “pride” nickels to rub together.
Gary, wow. Guatemala. I can just imagine those talks. Suffering is so hard to reconcile. Love your ideas here about pride and being poor in spirit. Thanks for sharing!
I believe the God I understand is way bigger than my fits! I am grateful that I am not the only one that thinks this way… I go through moments of anger and some of it is directed towards God, but I find it humorous that I will continue to pray, expecting Him to answer even in these moments! Thanks for sharing this, I totally relate!
Ha. God is bigger than my fist. So well put! Thanks for sharing this with us. Hope to see you here again soon. H
Heather, I had a similar experience. When I finally realized I was angry with God (I am a little slow in this area!) I had a reckoning, too. It’s amazing how much freer I felt to worship Him after I was honest with Him. Great post, once again!
Denise, I love the point you make here. How much freer you felt to worship him after you were honest with him. In human terms, I think that’s make up sex.
Thanks for coming by!
I love the imagery of your last line, “What if God is inviting you to throw the first punch?”. Trusting Him with my anger took some time. In my past, blaming God and turning from Him in anger resulted in me beating myself up, and some others around me. How precious when I turned back and found He had understood and forgiven my sinning in anger, and as mentioned in Jane’s comment above, had actually been angry at the situation WITH me all along. “Have you told God how you feel?” is such a loving and practical response, I will try to share it with others.
Thanks so much for this wonderful comment. How precious indeed!
I used to arduously believe this, about being angry at God,… and I still do, because Goodness! can you imagine a relationship without wrestling with tense issues, and raw emotions, and struggling to get to the other side of it?
…… But here’s the deal: I have a friend who’s life and ministry with her husband had been years of amazingness, and then her husband was diagnosed with ALS 2 years ago. When offered the “it’s okay to be angry with God” clause her reply, from the raw depth of her heart was (paraphrased): God is not my enemy. God is angry WITH me! He is hating the injustice, and the disease, and the ugliness, and the death MORE than I ever could… we are partners in this. He is aquainted with my grief, and is able to bring beauty from, and in, this battlefield. …….
Honestly, her reply rocked my angry-at-God world, because I had felt so “self-actualized” in my honesty with God. (And, truly, I still completely and utterly believe in the depth of allowing ourselves to angry with God as a vulnerable, truthful necessity.) However, somehow I had never seen God on my side in it before, but rather as a Father letting his child rant until he was able to pat my back and whisper, “There, there.” (Which is EXACTLY, what I feel he does, and it is truly wonderful…) Yet now I’m beginning to see him as a partner/leader against all the evil and injustice and pain and yuck in this world. Now I see him as fighting WITH me, shouting and hating and agreeing with me against all the ugliness and evil and pain…… and perhaps even allowing the anger to empower me to fight with LOVE. Because even though he knows that what has been intended for evil he has intended for good, he is not removed from the depths of our suffering. He CAN be found in the suffering… weeping with us.(And better yet, he’ll still pat our backs as we rant, with his understanding “There, there.”
Love you, Heather. Love being able to air thoughts here too. Thanks.
(I would love for you to read my friend’s first book, hot off the press, about this very subject: Beautiful Battlefields………….. http://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Battlefields-Bonita-Stern/dp/1612913199/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349881671&sr=8-1&keywords=beautiful+battlefields)
“Now I see him as fighting WITH me”
I so love that and what your friend shared Jane. It is what I have come to believe as well.Being angry at God is a waste of emotional energy. In contrast, seeing Him fighting with us is so empowering.
I got your friends book! It looks so cool, can’t wait to read it when it makes it to the top of my list. I am so in agreement with you on that all important word WITH. He is angry at injustice with us, etc. I love your thoughts here. “Empower me to fight with LOVE.” That’s a big idea. Hmmm. You should write a post about that!
I love this post!! Ok, I had to say that first of all.
I have had this experience a few times, so I can honestly relate and it definitely resonated with me. I first had it out with God when my parents died, within one year of another. How could God take them both from me when I was 12 years old. I really resented him and I was horrified about it. I had always been taught the same thing..you can’t be mad at God and you sure can’t hate him! I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I got an answer right away. I felt more love pour over me than I can describe to you. I knew he understood. He made me understand that he had a great mission for them and their toil and struggle was over with now. They had gone to a much better place and I was angry for myself, but I mustn’t be angry at them for leaving me, because they would always be with me. He also made me understand that I was strong and would have many things to overcome, but I would be able to handle it. He would never give me more than I could handle, and the experiences I would have would strengthen me and teach me for what I needed to accomplish in life. That was a lot for a 12 year old to take in, and I honestly didn’t take it all in, because my faith was tested time and time again. I am going through a spiritual struggle now, but I know that God will see me through. I know that there isn’t anything that God doesn’t already know about me, but he wants me to trust him enough to bring it to him so he can help. With all the mistakes I’ve made and I’m sure all the sorrow I have caused by not trusting God to help..I know he is always there waiting for me to be honest with him and lay the troubles at his feet. Sometimes we don’t like the answers we get, so we ignore them to our detriment, and say that God didn’t answer us. That is self-delusion. He always answers but we don’t always get the message. Yet, when we DO get the message, he is there and his love is absolute. If we trust him, even if we don’t like his answer, we will always be stronger for it.
As usual, you share a lot of wisdom here, Rebecca. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a spiritual struggle right now, too. So good to know that you have the perspective to make it through and you so clearly get it how much God loves you. Wonderful.
Thank you! Thank you! How awesome that I landed on this post today! My mom died a little over a year ago and althought i thought i have had a good relationship with my HP, Oh I’ve been angry…I’ve been rationalizing, I’ve been asking questions again! My sponsor keeps saying, that’s ok, god can take it! Lol! And then I read this post… I think I might have to throw the first punch!
Thank you in return! I’m so glad you landed here. Sorry I’m so late getting comments done–went out of town. I agree with your sponsor: God can take it! Hope you come by again, friend. H
Just worked a 3rd step with a newbie and this is good supplemental reading and discussion for sure. As a lifelong liar and alcoholic, I have to be honest with everybody in sobriety including and especially God. I can fool most people into thinking “I’m fine” but with God I have to keep it real;) Great post! have a great weekend. Stay warm! xo- S.
Third steps are the best. I mean, they’re just so rewarding. Thanks so much for commenting here. For some reason, I don’t have trouble picturing you being real with God.
It works for me. And that’s a compliment.
Read your post on Adam’s recommendation and it resonates with what I have taught in courses on the Psalms over the years. I call the course, “Honest to God” and we learn to use the language of the psalms to processour own emotions honestly through the character of God. He is not afraid of honest questions and emotions. True prayer is faith speaking in honest vulnerability before God! As we process those emotions through who God is we are changed as if begining to see for the first time, the presence of his hesed (loyal love, loving kindness) for us even in the darkest times. Keep up the good work!
Greg, so wonderful to “meet” you. Adam is such a gem. What an amazing nephew I have. I love your thoughts here and I so appreciate your taking time to share them with me and my readers. Wise insights.
I have been there and done that and I can attest to the fact that it works. My God is not male but still since God (no matter what the gender) is creative and powerful still had to carry the blame for what I suffered. So I let Her know! (We’re still on speaking terms. Even better terms now. God does not have the fragile ego of mankind. We can be hurt by words of anger. We take them as our own. God knows better. Like the child who screams hurtful things in a rage, the Caring Adult is able to say, *I know you’re angry.* in a caring, gentle voice. God is like the most skillful, experienced parent on a really good day!
Marjie,
I almost envy your She God. Ideally, I want to love a genderless God or a God who contains both–but I got so entrenched in the idea of a patriarchal male God early on that I have finally given up on calling him anything other than he. But I hope I think him in bigger terms. Thanks so much for this comment. Love what you said about the child who screams and the Caring Adult’s response. So true! Thanks for responding here, Marjie. Hugs to you.
Heather your posts are so consistently on target. Good grief. What God has allowed you to live and the hope, comfort life and peace it brings others. Especially me.
Tammy, sorry for the late reply. I appreciate you taking time to comment so much! God bless.
Oh, Heather, I love this post. I remember when a friend (who also happened to be a recovering alcoholic and heroine addict) said, “It’s okay to get angry with God. He can handle it. Really, he can. He gave you that emotion.” I felt so free, but your post made me realize I’ve been acting like I’m beyond that now – sort of like I’ve outgrown some of my emotions, especially anger. It’s likely time to have another talk with God. I’ve got a few things to get off my chest.
I love this quote from your friend. So true! Isn’t it sort of hysterical that we imagine God to be fragile? Or so peevish that he can’t handle our hurt and anger when life feels unfair and makes us angry or cry? I totally get your last lines, too. I think I get to a point of thinking I’m all serene and recovered and above that kind of pain and anger now, but actually–I’m not. I still have days when I realize I’m not actually saying what’s actually happening or on my heart, but what I think I should say to make God more willing to see things my way… Sigh. Thank God he adores us despite–and even because–of it all.
Love this post, Heather. I was furious with God when he allowed my daughter to fall into addiction. I vented and raged and screamed at Him. It was then that he really showed up big time. Yes, we must be honest with God. He can take it.
Oh, Barb. I remember that fury, too. In fact, I wonder if there is any anger deeper than the hurt we feel on behalf of our kids when life comes at them hard. It feels so unfair when that happens. But your experience is so true–that God showed up for you then big time. I think God always responds to that honest cry from the heart, even if it’s tinged by anger or frustration or doubt. Thanks for commenting.
what an absolutely perfect way to advise someone who is mad at God–”have you told God how you feel?” splendid! brilliant. simple
Oh thank you, friend. So nice to see you here. I see you have a blog too and I’ll come check you out. Maybe we’ve “met” and I forgot. So appreciate the comment.
Watching my wife fight a disabling disease these past 10 years has caused me to ask a lot of questions. These past 5 years of paralysis have been especially difficult. Watching her struggle in a wheelchair has caused me to pray and think a lot. These days I find myself at peace with the idea that God is not the issue. He has delegated sovereignty to nations, groups and individuals. As a result things have happened. I find comfort in knowing that He is here with me and my beautiful wife in our struggles. That seems to be enough for now.
Oh Bob, I can’t even imagine how challenging that would be and how many questions that would make me ask and how many squabbles I might have with God if I were in your shoes. But the amazing thing is that if we really want to love and connect with God, he gives us grace to do that even in the face of immense suffering and pain that doesn’t make a wit of sense when viewed outside of the scope of an eternal plan that ends in glory. I am so impressed by your spirit and sincere love for your wife. What a Beautiful thing. Made my day today, Bob. It really did.
Thanks for the encouragement Heather. Life got so much better when I took God out of my suffering and put Him back into my life.
I have been angry with God, but today I am simply trusting Him and that He knows best. On Valentine’s Day, one week ago today, my 18 year-old nephew was killed in a tragic car accident. We are grieving. My sister and her husband, and other childrten, are strong Christians and although they are grieving they are trusting that God is in control. Tonight is the viewing and tomorrow the graveside funeral. It will be hard, but I am going to trust. I have made my decision and even though it hurts, He is a good God and I will rest in that.
Nancy, I’m SO sorry about your nephew. So absolutely heartbreaking. I love the balance you bring to this conversation by pointing out that sometimes when we could choose anger, we can also choose to trust–can believe the best about a good God. It’s a relief when we’re able to do that, but it’s so good to know if it takes us a while to get there that God won’t hold it against us in terms of loving us in the middle of our pain and grief. I’m praying for your family and my heart aches with yours today. Keep me posted, okay?
Thank you, Heather. I will. My blog today was about this and dedicated to him.
I’m kind of mad right now…
Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’ll talk it out with God. Praying for you right this second, friend.
“Have you told God how you feel?” — I love that Heather!
Thanks, Bob!
Love this truth! I know honesty is the first step to healing and honesty of God first. Let Him have it, go ahead make His day:)
Never thought of it before, but you know what, it might help some people to think of God as Clint Eastwood.
I am so glad that so far no one is accusing me of advocating excess disrespect of God or recklessly hurling blasphemies. But I do think there is powerful to truth to the freedom that comes when we realize God’s love is greater than our emotions and he can handle the truth about what we really feel. Thanks for commenting, Tom.
I find rest in the fact that He made me, He wired me and nothing I do is surprising to Him. He made our emotions, all of them. He understands us better than we understand ourselves. I always tell those who are grieving that it is ok to be mad a God, He expects it, get it out as it is part of the process of healing. I know the confessing to God and to another human being has been vital in my recovery, and confessing anger at Him may just be part of the deal for some. He knows who you are:). Thanks for sharing your gift of writing with us…it is truly special. Keep it up:)
There does seem to be two ditches that grieving people stumble into. Job and his buddies embraced the ditch that was personified when Job said “Shall we accept good from God and not trouble”. They saw God as the author, or at least the permitter of their pain. Other people lean more towards the Deist ditch and do not see Him involved at all. My life got better when I saw my first wife’s death, my son’s addiction, my daughter’s unwed pregnancy, my blood disease and my wife’s disabling paralysis in the light of the healing presence of God. I could not find any life when I put God in my suffering but found so much life when I put Him in my life.
Good point kansasbob, I had made the assumption that those I had spoken with were those who already had God in their life, so much so they did not feel they could show any anger towards God in a legalistic sense. Even Job says his groanings poured out like water. When we pour out our groanings, our angers, of our flesh we can fill that space that with the light of love and hope in our God.
Perhaps it is simply a matter of perspective Tom. I think many who see God as micromanaging their existence mistakenly and religiously put God in the middle of their suffering instead of the middle of their life. I have even heard that “He gives and takes away” chorus from Job sung in church. It leads people to think that God is responsible for taking away Job’s children and perhaps taking away blessings in their life. Thus God is put in the middle of their suffering instead of the middle of their life.
The only thing I understand is that I do not understand God and read in Ecclesiastes 11 this morning that we can not understand his ways. I hope I didn’t offend you but I can only share what I have. have come to know God and His Spirit within me. Somehow He left my head and entered my heart and from there I trust in His ways and do not look to nor feel the need to understand. I experience His love and His light in all things, good, bad and indifferent. He does not micromanage me yet He lives in me. Who can understand that? All I can share is my experience and my love for others and trust Him for the rest. Blessings and love.
No offence at all Tom. I think that you probably understand God more than you think. Anyone who has read the gospels understands the nature and ways of God the Son. In Jesus we understand that God is Love. In Him we see that a compassionate image of deity that was angered only by religious people who did not love others. I find this God to be One that can be trusted with all of my heart.
Amen brother I am with you in this love we have come to know and trust. Blessings:)
I remember discovering that I harbored a hidden anger toward God because I wouldn’t admit to myself what I really felt. (I was in the middle of a project, trying to write about how much God was there for me when my husband died. Whoa. . .ended up putting the project on hold long enough to deal with it.)
What I remember more clearly, though, was that moment when I realized that I didn’t have to “please” God–what I now think of as the most liberating thing that’s ever happened to me. . .we can stay so caught up in trying to be “good” and trying to do everything “right”–dancing around our illusive, made-up version of God– that we miss the point entirely. It seems to be a necessary stage in spiritual development for most of us, though.
Being mad at God is a painful place to be. It can keep you stuck for a long time. It seems that sometimes the most we can do is wait for grace to arrive. Sometimes grace comes in the form of finally telling ourselves the truth, and feeling what we really feel.
Wow, what a powerful comment, Deb! I especially love: “we can stay so caught up in trying to be “good” and trying to do everything “right”–dancing around our illusive, made-up version of God– that we miss the point entirely. It seems to be a necessary stage in spiritual development for most of us, though.”
I think you’re absolutely right.
I’ve found when I allowed myself to be totally honest–which included anger–with God, my heart then, was ready to heal. Healing can only happen when there’s honesty. And quite frankly, there’s so much brokenness around I’m shocked that more people don’t give it a try.
Thanks. Heather. Once again I understand why I respect you as much as I do … you understand the trenches of healing.
I like the way you connect honest and healing, Robin. The older I get more, the less I want to play games with God and yet the more aware I am of how easy it is to fall into pretense during my morning times and throughout the day. To pretend he isn’t really nearer to me than I am to myself. Thanks for your comment. Hugs.
Wow, Heath. Just wow. I love reading your stuff, but today this really struck me in a way I can’t explain. I’m not mad at God, but just the way you talk about approaching him so powerful. Everyone I know (and work with at my church) needs to read this.
Wow.
Adam, it means so much to me to have you comment here. I am so glad you got something from the post and I hope you’ll pass it around. It’s shocking how easy it is to fall into a subtle habit of posturing with God, even though we know he knows all. It still feels like surely we can hide, sorta. You know? Wouldn’t it be weird if we get to heaven and find out that he actually respects the walls we erect and won’t pry where he’s not welcome? Such mysteries. Anyway, great to hear from you. Keep those adorable videos coming! Endless entertainment–especially the part where Asher spits up.
I have definitely been angry with God. In this season of my life, I’ve been more disappointed, profoundly so, than angry.
Anna, so cool to see you here on my blog. Thanks for commenting. I am afraid this post doesn’t come near addressing the kind of enormous loss you’ve experienced. I bet a lot of people can relate to what you said, though–not angry so much as profoundly disappointed. Hugs, H