Guess what?
I didn’t cry, vomit, or wet my pants. I didn’t have a panic attack, babble nonsensically, or run crying from the set.
I’m talking about my first little TV interview gig for my book, Sober Mercies, which happened on Saturday. Having shared with you how scared I was, I thought I’d let you know how it went.
The setup could not have been more low key. It was local, taped, and the interviewer was a lovely woman who had already become a friend.
In other words, this was as easy as it’s ever going to get.
So naturally, in the days leading up to the interview, I found a way to turn this fact into a threat: What if I totally botch this baby step? Then I’ll be more freaked out than ever about what’s next!
But God was so patient with me. While he didn’t remove my fear, as the day approached he gently unclenched my fists and invited me to accept that it’s okay to be scared.
Relaxing into fear may sound like backward advice—but it worked for me. As someone prone to panic attacks, what I fear most is my own fear. And since what we resist tends to persist, accepting it actually helped to neutralize some of its power.
Here’s what else helped me. First thing Saturday morning, I noticed a comment on Raw in my email box. These replies tend to be kind, since you have to really like me to want to read the daily minutia I write about there.
But this reader—well, not so much. Among other things, she called me a narcissist bitch and a poor excuse for a Christian.
The comment was so ridiculously mean, and the timing so incongruous—since I was hoping for encouragement—that I broke out laughing. It was a wonderful way to release some of the tension I was feeling that morning.
This wasn’t my first encounter with an “internet troll” (a common term for a person who trolls the web leaving nasty remarks in their wake). But this time, it hit me hard that behind every troll is a human soul.
How must that feel, to carry around so much hate, anger, and meanness?
I understand a little about meanness. Growing up as the family bully, I was so sarcastic and sharp-tongued that for long spells I was banned from the family dinner table. I ate alone in another room or waited until everyone else was done.
Of course, behind all that meanness was a wounded little girl trying to protect herself by lashing out at the world.
I wonder if something similar might be true of my internet troll. And I find myself hoping that wherever she goes (I’m not so narcissistic to think I’m the only narcissist she’s targeting), she’ll receive a gentle answer in exchange for her wrath.
Maybe one day, love will win out.
Maybe one day, she’ll even join me at the table, and I can thank her for her accidental help, and we can both laugh.
HA!
I love it when something like that backfires. What a ‘learning’ moment for you, too.
And I am so, so glad that it went well for you. The next one may even be fun
I am SO GLAD the interview went well.
I am SO GLAD you were able to laugh at the email you received.
I know that even if what someone says has my name on it, they are giving me information about themselves, so I translate (in my head) what I imagine they are trying to tell me, then I check it out. Translating her email, I would ask her, “I am wondering if you get angry when you read what Heather shares, because it is hard for you to imagine sharing your faith with such authenticity to such a broad community.”
Empathy is indeed the key to compassion and forgiveness. I need these constant reminders… so THANK YOU!
Heather! Bless you. One of my biggest struggles is with anxiety and fear – the anxiety which is really just fear running on a hamster wheel in my head. In the last few days I’ve started exploring what it’s like to accept anxiety as a feeling. The first time I finally tried this (of course after hearing about it for months) I was trying to fall asleep. I accepted, and dare I say, embraced the anxiety as part of myself, and I dropped right off to sleep. What a surprise!
So of course it’s ironic that you wrote about a similar concept. Just a little reminder along my way that my HP is involved with all the facets of my life.
Also, I’m glad to see you wrote about the interview… I’ve been looking forward to hearing how it went. Thank you for sharing! Love!
Best advice ever from Hilary Clinton: take criticism seriously but never personally. What people who do these things fail to realize is that is says nothing about the target of their words, but tells everything about them. As for your interview, it was nothing short of wonderful! As the host of Rocky Mountain Views, and this being our very first episode, to say that I was nervous would be a vast understatement! Heather, you were so professional, giving, kind, and an interviewers dream. You were the one who put me at ease! Now, having had time spent with you in person, I can tell everyone that you are very down to earth, warm and loving, someone that I am grateful beyond measure to now call “friend”.
I SO resonate with this bit: “As someone prone to panic attacks, what I fear most is my own fear.” Oh yeah. That got me thinking about the nature of my fears. And it isn’t so much about the fear itself as it is about the fear incapcitating me.
What a great post. Congratulations for seeing the human being behind the “troll.” I know a comment like that would have sent me into the stratosphere, at least for a while. And congratulations on the interview! I completely understand your anxieties. Offers just in on my book are creating a whole new set of fears about what will be required of me to promote it. I’ve been feeling a bit nuts and “relax into the fear” is terrific advice!
Grace-filled and beautiful. Such a sweet reflection of Jesus, and so like you. Hugs!
Donna, you must talking about yourself again… Hugging you back. Thank you.
Congratulations on a successful interview. I love that ‘facing the dragon and not getting burned ‘feeling. Sometimes the dragon is really a bunny. I appreciate the connection with the timing of your interview and your troll. I love how you channeled the energy and gave it right back to the heavens. Prayer is the best coping tool I have. Also, your words are helping me cope with a “troll” in my social media circle. Mean people suck and I get to pray for them. xox For what it’s worth I think you’re a beautiful example of Christianity.
What a wonderful thing to say to me today. I would never hold myself up as an example of the way of Jesus, but I so do want to follow in that way and reflect that kind of radical generosity and grace. Thanks much Lisa for taking time to visit my blog and comment. I plan to stop by yours soon, too. Have a great day, wise one.
Humor was invented to cancel the troll! The first time I ever tried (lamely) to write a humor piece, it was your gentle laughter, Heather, that cancelled the ugly trolls in my head. It said “Take that, troll!” And for a moment I was OK–until I realized what a troll I can be.
Of course aren’t we all trolls, hiding behind our fears, hoping to be asked to sit with the in crowd, hoping someone will overlook our sharp tongues and invite us back to the table? Oh wait. Someone begs us to sit and eat, drink at the Table, be filled with comfort that passeth all trollish understanding. Shazam!
Maybe all trolls, as you wisely say, are stuffed full of nothing until you extend that split second of recognition, the Love that will NOT go gently. Then we see ourselves as fully as we can be seen–the way the One sees us.
Go thou and sell a million booklets, dear. Love ya! Linda
Oh man. I LOVE this comment!!!
So great! I might just have to share it on my facebook: “Of course aren’t we all trolls, hiding behind our fears, hoping to be asked to sit with the in crowd, hoping someone will overlook our sharp tongues and invite us back to the table? Oh wait. Someone begs us to sit and eat, drink at the Table, be filled with comfort that passeth all trollish understanding.”
You’re so amazing, Linda. No wonder you’re such an amazing writing teacher and people love your blog. You rock. Love you friend.
Whatever helps, sweetie. Said the troll under the bridge.
~Linda
Wow.
Last weekend, after making funeral arrangements for my mother (who is on hospice care for Alzheimer’s), I arrived home and was met by an anonymous letter. The writer chastised me for one of the books I have on my classroom bookshelves.
Sure wish I’d remembered my sense of humor. It could have saved me an hour of my life and prevented a very sore back.
(Yes, I drove to my classroom and loaded 25 shelves of books into my car…’cause that somehow solved the “problem”?!? Yes, it’s funny…now!)
Oh man, I get this. And you know what? Being “chastised” is almost worse, or maybe is worse, than being viciously attacked by someone who is so vindictive they lose credibility. A carefully crafted letter full of small, even sweetly put barbs can flip me out way more. Sorry that happened. But it did make me smile to picture you loading all those books. So glad you shared this.
Gotta love haters! Yes they’re human but we didn’t get sober to be treated like crap or to be steamrolled by crazy people. Nobody ‘deserves’ comments like that so thank God for the delete button! Congrats on the interview by the way! Awesome stuff!!
I had a troll on my blog on Saturday. He called me a moron. I dealt with it as I deal with most things – by sharing it with my Facebook community.
Your post is amazingly timely. I wanted to seek revenge on this man via my blog, but all I would have accomplished in doing so would have been to become a troll myself – using my blog as a platform to be meaner than he was with 2 sentences. Thank you for reminding me of this truth … I know what you say to be true, and I try to remind others of this in terms of bullying in schools. The bully needs as much care as the one he/she bullies as the bully’s actions come from a place of need. Thanks again!
A moron? Now that’s just mean.
I”m so glad the post was timely. As they say, hurt people hurt people. So good to remember. If only the whole world–including myself–could keep that in mind at all times. Thanks so much for sharing your experience here.
I admired the way you handled the “troll.” But I especially admire the fact that you didn’t let it “get to you.” I don’t think I would have handled it as well as I always take things personally.
Yeah, her comment was a personal attack, but it was also pretty impersonal and could have been part of a spam paragraph she tweaks. I don’t doubt that on some other day I might have collapsed and scanned my brain for every self-absorbed thing I’ve written here. So glad God got me laughing instead.
Haven’t we all been angry and lashing out at some point where someone else was sliced and diced by it? Those are my worst moments. I’m glad the interview went well. Hugs.
Worst moments indeed. I remember how Dave was afraid to marry me because he said I wielded such a scary sword. I was all like, what sword? What do you mean? I couldn’t even see it–how other people could get so hurt by me and my words. Thanks for sharing, Susan.
So happy your interview went well. For me, there have been times I’ve been angry as well as a “bitch” to keep from falling apart. I viewed it as being in control, because God knows, the last thing I wanted was for someone to see I was vulnerable by actually crying. I don’t think you have to wait for love to win. I’m pretty sure you allowed it to win by showing Grace. Have a wonderful week!
Teresa, great points. I understand what you’re saying about how we get angry to help us hold it together. I was so angry as a kid and wanted to change and be nice at some point, but I couldn’t bear the idea of the shock I’d see on my siblings faces and I couldn’t stand the thought of being so vulnerable. Now, I’m pretty much a flag in the wind target for whoever wants to shoot. Not sure what happened there. Coulda been God. Coulda been grace. Probably both, and I’m grateful.
I had a troll in December post a very hurtful comment about me. I am a super-sensitive person and it was strange that I didn’t feel hurt. Instead, I felt this surreal peace and compassion, as well as a compulsion to pray for him. As I was praying, I felt God tell me to pray for “Matt” every day. That was December 4th. I have prayed for Matt every day and look forward to doing so. It’s so exciting to be used by God this way. God has a plan and He asked for my help! I’m psyched.
How cool that you had that response. It’s a gift when it happens like that, like God reaches down and puts his hand in front of our heart to block the blow or damp the sting. I love that you pray for Matt. And how smart you are to personalize him with a name. Great comment, Holly.
Can you add a ‘like’ buttton? (For those lazy days.) Here’s adding a like for your post and 6 likes for the above comments…. and a link to some sanity: http://mrsgoresdiary.com/2013/02/16/mrs-gores-social-media-etiquette/
Ha. I would LOVE to add a LIKE button, but I’m still stuck with a WordPress template and this one doesn’t appear to have a like button option. I bet if I knew how I could sneak one into the code, but I have no clue… I really like like buttons, too. But remember, you don’t have to comment for me to know you you liked my post. How about we have an agreement, you and I, special-like, since you’re such a good friend, that you only comment if you hate it and otherwise, I get to assume it’s a thumbs up?
…sounds like a reciprocal deal…. (but, on the other hand, commenting on Miss Boots is about the only writing I’m allowing myself to do these days!… seeing as I’m frozen in blogospace.)
I love that her nastiness broke the stress and tension you were feeling! So glad the interview went well. We are all so proud of you!
Sweet Anna. Thank you. Laughter comes so hard some days that when it does arrive, it feels like such a gift. I finally see how some people sign up for those laughing conference things. Maybe I should try that.
That trolls are human is an important point, but not near so important as that your interview went well! Congratulations!
Thanks so much.
I love your response to the troll Heather. It shows how much healing and redemption resides inside your beautiful soul. Glad the interview went well. I had no doubts.
Thanks Shelly. So kind of you to care. I had doubts, and will have doubts again, I’m sure. But doubts, as they say, do not mean the absence of faith, only that faith will be sought all the more desperately, right?
So of course I had to go over to Raw and see exactly what the comment was. Eww. But that didn’t interest me as much as the Hafiz poem you posted there, with these words: “Some heroic deed you will do in silence,/for that is greatness’s preference–no fame./If the world comes to know you, be a good host to the attention you get./Use all as a tool, dear, to build a shelter for your mind, and others in need.” BEAUTIFUL! Reminds me of one of my life-quotes, this one from Lord of the Rings: ““Yet such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere.” Thanks for your posts. The world’s a sweeter place with you in it!
The comment seemed somehow pat or spammish to me. I got the sense she has this little speech and tweaks a couple parts to make like it fit, such as “poor excuse for a Christian.” Otherwise, it could have been written to almost anyone. Really, if a troll is going to make personal attacks, shouldn’t make them more personal? Like mention Dave or my dog?
Great quote by the way. Thanks Jeannie.
I’ve had a few trolls who’ve helped me along the way. And I’ve been a troll a time or two or three. I hope someone got a good laugh out of my antics … I hate hurting people even when I’m mean. Love you and your posts, Heather.
How brave of you to admit being trollish yourself a time or two. Haven’t we all? If not on a comment, in life, or at the very least in our thoughts? Great point. H
There is a saying “misery likes company”. In actual fact, it is “misery likes miserable company”. Most often the miserable one tries to orchestrate that relationship. I suspect the troll will follow up to see if it worked.
It will be cool to be met with honesty and grace. Also, I suspect “you meant it for evil, God used it for good” applies. I know you aren’t necessarily crazy about scriptural references, but Romans 8:28 comes to mind. May good bless the troll (troll used affectionately).
Agree with your points here, Tom. And yes, God bless her heart.
Whatever this woman’s intent, it was foiled by the love of God! Claim it and put her out of your mind. Satan’s little trolls have no power with the power of God’s love! Good for you, Heather. You prevailed and you knew you would because you led God lead you there and bring you back. You are such an inspiration and you are appreciated. Can’t wait to read your book! I already know that I’ll love it!
Thanks, Rebecca. You encourage me so much.