Dave Can Be So Selfish

shutterstock_140507839My husband Dave can be so selfish.  And this morning was a great example. Normally he gets up first, and so naturally, he makes the coffee. (Okay, so maybe there are times when I’m awake first and I lie there pretending to sleep until he gets up because the coffee just doesn’t taste as good when I make it.)

But here’s the selfish part. Sometimes, Dave gets up super early to work on manuscripts (he’s an editor) and by the time I get up, there’s less than two cups of coffee left for me—which is obviously not nearly enough. What a coffee hog!

This morning it happened again. I came down to the kitchen at 7 am, plenty early you’d think, but as soon as I went to pour the coffee I could tell the thermos was too light in my hand. Sure enough, there was only one cup left.

Like I said, Dave can be so selfish. Especially when you consider that soon he’ll be going into the office where he works and where he can drink all the coffee he wants all day long—while I’m stuck home without.

So on my way to my morning chair, I knocked on the door of his den and peeked in, ostensibly to say good morning. Sure enough, there he was, manuscripts splayed out before him…

“I take it you’ve been up since very early,” I said, trying not to sound snotty.

“Yeah,” he said. And then he added, “Is it the coffee you’re wondering about?”

Of course it’s the coffee I wonder about!  Why do we have to play these games?  “Of course not,” I told him. “But I did happen to notice that there wasn’t much left for me.”

“The grinder broke,” he explained. “And so I made the last of the ground coffee we had left for you. I’m having tea.”

I glanced at his mug. It was true. My husband was drinking useless TEA—early in the morning while he got up to work—so that I could have at least one cup of coffee to drink this morning while I prayed and meditated next to my candle, reflecting as I’m wont to do on all those gushy feelings of love for God and for all people that help to convince me I really am growing in selflessness.

Lord, have mercy.





  1. This little snippet of a story absolutely melted my heart and then opened it a little more. What an act of precious love from your husband. And, don’t you just want to bang your head against the wall when we make judgements and then find we are all wrong. Again. Love the story – thank you so much for sharing it, Heather.

  2. Valerie Vicari says:

    Thanks for the chuckles you gave my daughter and I! How we love you and the way you are so transparent, and honest. We are all so blessed by you, Heather :D

  3. Not sure why people (or at least I) am built to so quickly jump to on the blame wagon. I just broke my toe because I reached up for something on a crammed shelf that my husband said he would be glad to rearrange for me…but hadn’t yet. When a full can swooshed down 6′ onto my toe, it is amazing how quickly my thoughts ran to why he hadn’t yet changed it for me. (Along with $@^#& &@%^*+&*#!!!) Yes, the shelf was too full, and I was simply trying to grab a roll of paper towels…but it was my hands that caused the accident. And…it *was* an accident. I am proud to report that I didn’t snap and say, “why didn’t you…???!!!”

    As least I can have that small modicum of pride as I limp around the house with my indigo toe.

  4. I would expect nothing less of Dave. ;-)

  5. pulpfictionme says:

    Can I take a minute to acknowledge that your husband is an editor, and you are an author? That is like my dream marriage! lol

    • Ha! That’s so funny. You know what, it’s a pretty good situation. I confess to taking advantage of Dave’s genius many, many times. Honestly, you’re right that it is a rare gift to share so much in terms of our passions and work. Thanks for reminding me. Makes me grateful this morning.

      • pulpfictionme says:

        I mean, I have to look really hard to find an editor, and you sleep, eat, and raise children with one! lol But yes, there are problems to rise. If him drinking too much coffee in the morning is yours, then I would say you have a pretty awesome marriage :) Look forward to other posts. :)

  6. I’ve had those moments…just never dared to share them. LOL

  7. Tea is not useless!!!! :)

  8. :-D

  9. Great writing; powerful point; going right to the heart!

  10. You sre such an inspiratoon Heather.
    I’m a so called Christian i feel very embarrassed to label myself this.
    So many references that are coincidentially similar. My children have left home and have drinking problems like me and my genetic family.
    I can’t see a way forward without drink as a close companion.
    I can control my dtink and no body would class me an Addict, altjough I secretly km I w differently. X

    • Steph, thanks for this honest note. I am so sorry you are stuck in that place. I’ve been there, too. Unable to see a way forward. But there is hope! Not in mustering up will power or praying harder or trying harder… but in humbly asking for help. I don’t know if you need treatment, but you might start with a recovery meeting. We can’t do this alone. I have a beautiful 12 Step community that helps me every step of the way. And here’s the thing: Christian alcoholic is not an oxymoron. We’re not better or less inclined to sin than anyone else, we just know we’re forgiven. And it’s God’s kindness that leads us home. Best to you, Heather

      • Thank you so much Heather. I Have read your book ‘Sober Mercies’ and valued your honesty. You showed so much strength at times that it brought tears to my eyes, but I also laughed so much at the way you could stand back and look honestly at a situation without filters of ego or emotions. I want to be your best friend and sit on your porch and chat with you face to face! X

  11. Sharon R. Huffman says:

    Isn’t the go round in our heads something?!

    I spent so much internal time on this kind of thinking. It was emotionally consuming!

    I found, after working on this with the Lord for a year and a half, that it was related to my relationship to the ‘less than’ messages now carved inside me. They create inappropriate boundaries of being and expression which I don’t transgress. I am in serious rebellion against these. Yet, I must be a safe slave. Disobeying them isn’t one of my options. So I act out my rebellion inside, coloring my internal world in the dark, even violent, tones of my pain and anger.

    “Whatever is is true, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

    I could not do it.

    I had to articulate, and invalidate the inappropriate messages, then dismantle the boundaries they caused. Probably I’m still doing it. The success is real. This sort of thinking is no longer consuming. (It still exists.) I can chide myself to think in a thankful or otherwise uplifting way now.

    Maybe this is just me, but I shared on the chance that my experience and thought might help someone else. This kind of thinking was a symptom internal things I needed to correct. I am free to be lovelier inside now. It’s easier to like living and to care for and rule myself.

    • Jan from MN says:

      Really liked what you had to say Sharon, “coloring my internal world in the dark…tones of my pain and anger”, really resonates with me. Great post Heather!

  12. whinelessinwashington says:

    How much I love this. I’m married to a teacher/writer who ALSO makes me (lovingly) a slow-going cafelatte every morning. I laughed so hard when I read this, especially the ‘useless tea’ part! AMEN!

  13. Love this, Heather.

  14. :)

  15. Harrumph – a typical male, denying us our right to fume and fuss. That’s just — so wrong! :-D

  16. LMAO….oh goodness! This is so me lately. Full of resentments, anger and totally unfounded accusations against those that love me best. Jeez Louise I can be such a jerk at times. Do I sound a little messed up? You bet!

  17. Reblogged this on theloveculture.

  18. LOL! :- ) I’ve found myself in the same spot too… Love is full of surprises. Aren’t we the funny ones? ;- )

  19. Great post, Heather.
    Just imagine what the world would be like if everyone was as selfish as Dave.

  20. Heather & Dave — Thank you for making us laugh ’til we cried (…at least we think the tears were from laughter… ;-) Cheri & Daniel

  21. Had a similar situation with My Beloved just yesterday. I just KNEW I had it all figured out, when – in the end – it was a misunderstanding on my own part. Gotta love these men who put wives in first place!

  22. Rebecca Sokol says:

    Even if Dave never made another cup of coffee in his life, you are still one of the luckiest and blessed……and so is he! Grace for the day, Rebecca.

    • Aww, Rebecca! So great to hear from you, sweet wonderful friend of our hearts. I couldn’t agree with you more. You know better than most the astonishing truth of how fortunate I am. It’s humbling and I’m never gonna get over being grateful. Love you, H

  23. I had a similar issue with my sweetheart, as he got into a habit of cooking only for himself on mornings when he does breakfast. Then I realized this is the same man that helped me and my sister realize the only way to respond to my parents shunning (they’re Jehovah’s Witnesses, and we’re not; and my sweetheart is especially persona non grata, even though he gave up everything to bring me home to them in Massachusetts) is to kill ‘em with kindness.

    Your post made me smile :)

  24. Bahahahahaha! A good laugh to start the day. Thank you, Heather! You rock!

  25. Kopp, David says:


  26. God save us from what we’re sure we know!

  27. I don’t drink coffee but, if he ate my protein bars … I’d have to pray really long and hard about that. Still he wouldn’t do that, would he?

  28. OMG! Hilarious! And then you have to get mad at him because he really IS a selfless, loving soul, so he’s taken away your perfectly good reason to be mad at him! Or at least that’s how it goes in my house. Heaven forbid we ever stop thinking about how lucky our husbands are to have found us and start realizing just how blessed we are to have found men willing to put up with us.

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